This is me with fandom: Ramblings (EXO)

Warning: This is a bit messy and all over the place but my feelings are all over the place as well. Word vomit.

On Kai:

• I sincerely think from the bottom of my fangirl heart that Kim Jongin is genuine, like genuine in a way that his "idol mask" is not as deceiving as say, practically everyone in SHINee's lmao. I'm not just saying this because I'm in a love-hate relationship with him, I can see it in the way he holds himself. Onstage, he's like this dancing beast oozing with so much self-confidence and I can see how he's so passionate about performing but offstage, something inside him turns off and he becomes this shy, little teenage boy who grew up too soon for his own good. I get that, you know, being SM's newest golden child and being the face of EXO-K (maybe even of EXO in general) he has this image to keep up and maybe it's exhausting him not only physically, but mentally and emotionally as well. I've read from various fanaccounts that he's not exactly friendly and that he doesn't do much fanservice and it has led to some fans getting irked and annoyed by his indifference but cut the guy some slack. Just because he doesn't want to pose for photos and he's unwilling to perform some aegyeo for you doesn't mean he's a horrible person. He's drained and tired and needs his alone time, what with being surrounded by people (mostly strangers) almost 24/7.
• I really can't understand my feelings for this boy. Loving him's like a paradox. There are days that I want to punch him in the face because I hate him so fucking much and then there are days that I want to fly to Korea and hunt him down and destroy everyone he loves because I am not one of them and I will never be one of them. Ugh.

On Kyungsoo:

• Kyungsoo's such a special snowflake but I can tell all the cute faces and actions and constant bewilderment are somewhat...fake? No, fake's not the right term, maybe just a little bit constructed. Kyungsoo's smart. He knows what the fans want, what the fans like, so he simply delivers. And then we eat up all of his wide eyes and childlike antics and fucking loveable aegyeo and treat him like he's the most adorable 19 (almost 20!) year old to ever grace the face of the Earth. Which he is but that's not the Do Kyungsoo behind the bright lights of the limelight. I think Kyungsoo, the real Kyungsoo, is reserved and closed-off but I don't really mind what he chooses to show to the public because he's fucking cute and has a great voice that sounds good at any range and every idol has a mask on anyway. We just need to look more closely to see through them and maybe we won't like what we see, but hell, that's show business for you!

On Kaisoo:

• They do lots of cute, stupid things together that it makes me want to claw my eyes out. Seriously, I'm too young for this. Kaisoo? More like kaisooicide.
• And the fics are fucking amazing. The main reason why I got into this fandom was because of a Kaisoo fic that was utterly beautiful that it enticed me to join the dark side. I haven't looked back since. Welp.
• But sometimes, I think that those two are just putting on a show to please the fans. But whatever, it's free entertainment and I'm not complaining.

Merry Christmas, loves ☃

I don't have anything tangible to give to you guys and if I could, I would bake all of you cinnamon cupcakes but sadly, I can't so I wrote this little drabble instead. Happy reading! ♥

.

i am the frost on your window,
the cry of a young wolf,
the thin blade of grass you just passed by.
i am the wind that caresses your cheeks,
the sweat that trickles down the nape of your neck,
the cold that embraces you during lights out.
i am the soft earth you trample your feet on,
the deep well in the forest you got lost in,
the path you followed that led to nowhere.
i am the stars in the midnight sky,
the languid clouds on a summer afternoon,
the drippy symphony of the crickets.
i am the white-picket fence,
the rusty old gate,
the creak you hear when open the cedar door.
i am the sigh that escapes your lips,
your early morning breaths,
the unfinished sentence you struggle to let out.
i am the scrawls on your notebook,
the dirt on your fingertips,
the paint stains on your shirt.
i am your cup of Sunday morning coffee,
the sluggishness of Monday noon,
the cool Tuesday evening dew.
i am the the lightning streaks you fear,
the ocean you once almost drowned in,
the broken china you dropped when you received news of your mother’s death.
i am the blood that rushes to your cheeks,
the smell of rain on damp earth,
the tinkling of chimes during an airy day.
i am the cat that jumped on your roof,
the worn-out pages of your favorite book,
the poems you keep in your drawer.
i am the voice inside your head
telling you things i am not
for in reality
i am not a lot of things
and these words mean nothing.
i can never compare to the beauty of life that surrounds you.
i am not a lot of things.
i am not loved and i am not yours.
and it makes me want to be a lot of things i am not
because you are beautiful
and i am just sad.

This is me with fandom: My MAMA 2012 Experience

I actually slept at an ungodly hour last night because I got home around 7:30 pm so I missed 1/3 of the show but thanks to Mnet's livestream of the whole event, I got to watch all the parts I missed.

Warning: Incoherent post.

Dear Lee Jinki,

It's impossible to hate you.

To be honest, I don't exactly know what made me like you. When I first landed eyes on SHINee, you were the plainest member to me. You didn't stand out and I kept on forgetting your name. All I knew was that you were the awkward leader with the chinky eyes, nothing more than that. But as months passed by and I turned into the monster fan that I am today, you  became the special member to me. You're no Taemin when it comes to dancing but the way your melodious, soft voice fits into the most tender parts of a ballad is akin to the beauty of gentle rainfall and your sunshine smile can uplift my mood any moment of any day and you always manage to brighten anyone up with your laugh.

But I can see through you.