words dump

there is always an overwhelming urge to delete all my blogs and erase myself from everyone's browser history and find out who will care enough to remember. if all my words really do leave an imprint or an impact and if i really do change lives because maybe i'm just too naive to see the difference. a few months from now, i don't think i will be the chryss that everyone knows at the moment. or at least, who you think i am. i am constantly changing, trying to make myself better but maybe somewhere along the way, making myself worse. i don't know how to write without sounding like i'm an accident waiting to happen but i know where my heart lies most of the time. but maybe come october, i will no longer know the path that leads to where i truly wanna go and i end up writing poems about wanting to be safe, about wanting to stay inside comfort zones where i have no trouble breathing but the air is a recycled mess of oxygen used up and gone to waste. and i'm pretty sure my priorities will change, how i see the world will change, how i talk to people will change and maybe there are some things that will stay -- like the way i spend so much time taking showers and how i never know how to keep my things tidy because my mind is always a messy place -- but at the end of the day, i'm really scared about losing myself and forgetting who i once was and not being able to remember the things that matter right now. it's all a part of life, a way of the universe, entropy working its magic with its lack of predictability but it's scary to think about. i've always had some sort of trouble one way or another with letting go because sometimes i care too much that it hurts and this is something i've spent nights thinking about and never having anyone to talk to about them. this is the result.

Five-minute word vomit. You have been warned.

words dump

around two weeks ago, i stopped my bad habit of biting on my fingernails and i showed my fourteen days of resistance to my mother this afternoon when we were trying to find birthday gifts for both our friends. she looked at them and began to kiss each fingernail like they were something more precious than dead parts of my body. i find myself sitting somewhere in the children's shoes section every time my mother decides to look for a new pair of sandals or a new bag to add to her always growing collection. i plop myself on a cushioned bench and read stories on my phone, the voices of little kids and their mothers serving as not so faint background sounds that i try to ignore. i focus on the words on my phone, words that aren't my own and will never be mine but make me feel like i belong. it's nice, really. i get lost in my own little world, or in other worlds outside the current one i'm in. 

my brother and his fiancee are perfect for each other, they're such a silly couple and i would find their relationship hilarious if i didn't know better, if i didn't know how much they loved each other. to the ends of the earth maybe. or i think a little bit farther. yup, farther than my heart can take. they are filled with sweet things and sweet nothings and sweet everythings. they are just right and not enough and more than what i have to say. 

i saw natasha today, the first time since april when i stumbled upon her at mcdonald's lacson, back when my hair was shorter and i haven't shed layers of my skin yet. back when i still had so much to learn and so much to go through. i heard her call my name before i got to see her face and she is still the same bundle of soft-spoken energy and crescent-shaped eyes. when i wrapped her in a hug, i realized how much i've missed her. and i will continue to miss her because i know that we will be far away from each other, no longer just a seat apart unlike in junior year when we would trade listening to our math teacher in exchange for talking about pretty korean boys and how much we adore them. 

i miss a lot of people. i've been saying this over and over again but i think it's something that i will never get over until i have actually moved forward in my life. and even if i get to step out of my comfort zone and finally get to embrace the new life that's waiting for me, i will still miss a lot of people. 

i will always. they remain. 

Ode to the beautiful broken ballerino

to the boy with the sunshine smile

and feather-light feet

who turns and pirouettes with every single heartbeat.

you've got me weak on the knees,

my lungs feel like collapsing

but i don't mind the way

that you take my breath away.

when you said you wanted to dance,

what did the world have in store?

bright lights and adoring fans,

are these what you asked for?

but whatever path that has led you to me,

i'm thankful that it has made me see -

see you in your beautiful form

of grace and of passion,

of silly bubbling laughter,

of warmth and of the most powerful emotion.

(tell me, is it love?)

but it's okay, dream boy.

i do not deserve an explanation.

---

inspired by the video above and this article. 

This is probably irrelevant to you but I feel like spilling words lest I suffer a drought. I haven't been writing poems as of late. The last time I wrote one was around three weeks ago and it's still sitting on my notebook looking lifeless instead of sashaying around my blog, letting the words speak for what I feel spiraling inside me in ways that leave me unhinged during moments I let my guard down.

I had a really good day today, the kind that makes me feel warm inside and out until all I can feel in my stomach is laughter and all my eyes see is a spectrum of happiness brought about by the company of people who seem to know the right things to say to crack me up like eggshells until I am being fried on my tippy toes with burning sensations that make me feel the most alive that I've ever felt in the past few days, maybe even weeks (and wow I no longer know how to chop my sentences into half so that you can chew them properly rather than swallowing them whole i cry I'm apology my mind is a mess at the moment). This house is nothing but safe and suffocating. My mother hasn't been very good company as of late but I love her and I never want to bring her down. I dislike how I feel trapped and emotionally abused though and I am struggling to break free. No one knows what I'm going through at the moment and I prefer it that way because the last time I wanted to have a heartfelt conversation with someone, I got turned down and right now, I'm still trying to pick up the broken pieces of misused trust.

Bye, I gotta go write proofread my mother's essay for her job promotion. Wish the both of us the best of luck.

And

bc I'm having Jongin feelings, I wrote a little something

It starts in the way Jongin breathes. Every inhale and every exhale and I think he's beautiful in the way he just exists. Even the odd-scented mix of cigarettes and old books that I think stains the fabric of his skin has my mind reeling in a thousand different directions. Next is in the way he dances. Every fluid movement and every powerful turn strum my heartstrings and produce a melody I can't quite pinpoint but it almost sounds like the fluttering of butterfly wings. Fleeting, soft, and achingly beautiful. Another is in the way he shows happiness. Crescent-shaped eyes and a smile that could battle the majesty of the stars, laughter so rich and delicious that I could wrap it up in a burrito  and eat it raw. Last is in the way he brings passion to the stage. He is a powerhouse filled with so much energy that I feel weak in the knees every time he performs like he was born to be admired by the world. He belongs to the stage and he belongs to the wild cheers and the flickering silver ocean. But sadly, he does not belong with me.

Are you ready? Let's go.

Are you ready? Are you ready to take the plunge and let go? To be free from the insecurities killing you slowly on the inside and to get rid of all the pent-up anger and frustrations? Are you ready to admit your shortcomings, imperfections, mistakes, and face up to those who always bring you down? Are you ready to tackle the nitty-gritty and all the things bothering you that are itching for control and to finish them down with a final winning move? Are you ready to bathe yourself in a pool of tranquility, to wash away all the negative thoughts and to link arms with happiness instead? Are you ready to accept defeat, but still know in your heart that in the end, the fact that you'd tried your best is the thing that matters the most? Are you ready to release every single shard of doubt clouding your mind and replace them with infinite opportunities? Are you ready to start living for yourself? Are you ready to start loving yourself? Are you ready to start being yourself for yourself?

Are you ready?

Let's go.

“All parents damage their children. It cannot be helped. Youth, like pristine glass, absorbs the prints of its handlers. Some parents smudge, others crack, a few shatter childhoods completely into jagged little pieces, beyond repair.”
- Mitch Albom, The Five People You Meet in Heaven

This quote made my breath hitch when it popped up on my dashboard some days ago. I read this book back in Freshman year but I've forgotten much of what transpired in the story so I don't quite remember this part anymore.

I guess I just want to delve deeper into this topic.

personal reminders:

1. Do not fall for a boy just because he smiles like the sun. Sometimes it will be blinding and remember that it's the same smile he gives to other girls. Also, there will come rain and stormy weather. During those times, his smile won't be as bright and as radiant.
2. Just because your father left you doesn't give you the right to be angry at the world. You're not the only one. There are others just like you, others who feel just as unloved and as insecure. But it's okay. You're going to be okay. Find light in the darkness and you'll find your way home.
3. Everything that you're doing right now, all the late nights and all the worried looks from your mother, are going to be worth it. Even if they're sucking the life out of you right now and making you feel the worst kind of drained, there is a reason for this. There must be. Or else you're fighting in a battle that cannot be won. You have to win.
4. Do not be so hard on yourself. Show the world how nice your teeth are and don't be so afraid of not being enough. It's nice not being enough, people don't know what to do with someone who already has everything. You've got gaps to fill and that's nice. Holes are nice, especially when certain people fall into them and make you a better version of yourself.
5. Listen to the compliments and believe in them even if you don't want to. Let them melt in your heart and let yourself feel warm inside. When someone tells you you're amazing, believe, even just for a split second. You will regret burying them. Let them breathe or breathe life into them. You don't deserve to feel dead.

i'm alive but barely. the last few days have been filled with nothing but exhaustion and stress and not so much rest. i'm on the brink of giving up but i can't. and i don't want to. the exo fanmeeting is eating me alive. i want to go i want to go i want to go. there's only a slim chance though. but i'm hanging on to hope even though it feels like ripping at the seams. how to persuade my mother? help. my old nanny came to visit again today. god i missed her so much and her cooking. i love her so much, she's the best. yearbook editor in chief duties are also slowly but surely creating acid in my stomach. i have a reliable staff to back me up though and i'm so grateful. i'd be more of a mess without them. i can do this i can do this i can do this. we all can. there's officially 7 and a half days left before the 4th quarter exams, before my last ever exams in st. scho. everything feels weird, like the way ants crawled up my knees last night while i ate brownies and drank coke by the sea with my mother's side of the family, the wind whipping against my face and sand dust things gathering against the rim of my glasses. i don't know how to properly hold a baby but she looked comfortable in my arms and i loved the warmth she was radiating to me. dearie, i am so tired. so incredibly tired, like the world is going to end. it's not though, we are still suffering. we are still fighting for survival. we are still functioning as human beings. we are still here.

i know it's like 4 a.m. and i should be sleeping but i've actually been awake for the past two hours because of a toothache and that's enough to drive anyone insane so i'm just going to leave this sekai ficlet that i wrote a couple of nights ago when i didn't want to study for physics. because yes, when my mind doesn't want to deal with formulas, i write things. woohoo, go chryss, that's how you get a nice score in the long tests of your worst subject YOU DA BEST 

ok i wanna cry because this is madness why am i awake with a fucking toothache huhu but anyhoo HAVE SOME SEKAI ANGST. this is the first thing that i wrote after four days of not writing anything at all and i think i wrote this under 15 minutes so please don't expect anything spectacular because i mainly wrote this for my own personal amusement. and it's angst because life sucks.

College.

It has always been too distant of a word for me but right now, it's so close I can almost reach out for it. Not quite though. Not quite and not yet. Last night I searched all about the UP campus I'm enrolling into and I've read countless blog posts about other people's college lives, browsed through different dormitories and their amenities, and thought about where I'd be and what I'd be doing in more or less six months from now, more or less six months from today. Six months into the life I've always dreamed of, the life I've spent Math classes wishing for, the life outside my comfort zone and all things familiar. High school has drained me, it has been the source of my distress and I want nothing more than to break free from it. I don't know if the reason I just want to step outside of the world I've been in for the past four years is a result of the bad memories I've had during the most tender phase of growing up or because the educational institution that has served as my second home for the past ten years and counting has never truly felt like home. Or maybe it has and I'm just too stubborn to admit it. I am so thankful for St. Scho though. St. Scho has introduced me to some of the most beautiful people whom I've shared some of the most wonderful memories with. St. Scho has taught me to be independent and strong and to curse the fucking daylights out of a Physics long test. St. Scho has taught me to love and to hurt and to be the person I am today. And as excited as I am to bid St. Scho good bye, I'm also sad to leave it behind. 

The things that matter will stay though. And the people who matter will too. And college, I'm almost there. I'm almost there and I can't wait to greet you at your doorstep armed with a suitcase full of my dreams and aspirations. Please anticipate.

Merry Christmas ❅

So every year I churn out a short Christmas fic and cookies for you if you can guess which pairing this is before you get to the very bottom (hint: it's currently my otp of all otps and no I'm not in it. also, the otp that ruined me in all the right ways this year BLESS THIS OTP)

So... MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!! I LOVE YOU ALL ☆*:.｡. o(≧▽≦)o .｡.:*☆

Seoul on Christmas Eve is a thick blanket of snow and a thin whisper of veiled glances  between two people with the slightest hint of frost biting on their fingertips, gnawing at  the flesh to make sure fingers find fingers and intertwine to spark up human warmth. They're  a little bit too old for Christmas wishes, a little bit too known to roam the streets  freely, and a little bit too scared for kisses under the mistletoe. So they have this  instead. And this is nice. This feels just right. This is just the two of them alone  together.

I miss the days when my sister and I would sit down and have kdrama marathons, with bowls of ramyun perched on our laps and bottles of Coke sitting idly on the coffee table. I miss the days when we would blast Super Junior songs in the living room and everyone else would complain but no one bothered to stop the music. I miss the days when my bedroom walls were littered with posters of anime characters and Winnie the Pooh and the Teletubbies. I miss the days when the easiest thing to do was smile and the hardest thing to do was getting out of my brother's strong grasp whenever he tickled me until I was breathless and begging for mercy. I miss the days when I would run around with my dog chasing the sunlight. I miss the days when everyone I loved was still in close proximity or just a phone call away. I miss the days when the struggle wasn't real. I miss the days when I didn't care so much about grades but still got decent marks on my card. I miss the days when the only thing I was completely sure about wanting to do when I grow up was to write. I miss the days when I wasn't so scared about the thing I wanted to do most. I miss the days when I didn't know the meaning of nostalgia and so I merely classified the ache in my chest as something fleeting and temporary. Boy, was I wrong. So young and so naive and so wrong. But also so right. So right in all the wrong ways and so wrong in all the right ways. It felt all right to be wrong. Everything felt all right. I was all right.

This morning, I stumbled upon one of my old writing notebooks dating back to 2007, when I was eleven and filled to the brim with nothing but laughter and easygoing conversations, and I found a page entitled, "HAPPY TO BE ME!!!" and it contained a list of all the things in my life that made me happy and reasons why I was happy to be me.

I miss the days when I didn't write so much about the pain... because there was no pain.

hear me out?

Hi, guys, life's been a series of ups and downs for me as of late. I feel like I'm on a roller-coaster ride going nowhere. I broke down last Sunday night when I thought I'd lost the notebook where I've been writing all my poems for the book but I found it yesterday lying around on my mother's bed and I almost broke down again just from the sheer happiness of having found it. I woke up at 4:30 a.m. today to make myself two egg sandwiches with mayonnaise and cheese to bring to school only to realize that I'd forgotten to put them inside my bag when I stepped inside my classroom. It instantly dampened my already bad Tuesday morning mood (our Tuesday schedule sucks). This Friday I'm watching a special screening of Catching Fire with my schoolmates and all proceeds will go to a fundraising project spearheaded by one of my friends, Frances, who happens to be the student council president. By the way, if you're from school and you don't have any plans on Friday, come watch with us! There are still tickets available and you'll be watching the movie for a good cause. On the topic of Friday, I just found out today that I won't be able to watch MAMA 2013 live and that's a real bummer but I'll be sleeping over at Joy's house and hopefully, I'll be able to catch up on the things I've missed. I actually have a busy weekend ahead of me. There's the Big Sis - Lil Sis party on Saturday afternoon and I haven't actually talked to my "little sister" yet but I have an inkling she'll be there nonetheless. I'm not actually all that confident but I just hope we'll get along well. After Saturday's events, I have to attend the DSPC (Division Schools Press Conference) on Sunday. Never thought I'd be able to join but I'm one of the scriptwriters for the Radio-broadcasting team. I don't know if they were being serious about assigning me as team leader since I have zero experience but I'll take whatever comes along. I need to step out of my comfort zone and get myself out there, if you know what I mean.

November is such a busy bee of a month. I'm only halfway through with it yet I am already incredibly drained. I still have a news article to write and I don't know how to write a news article. I don't know how to write when it truly counts, period. The long tests and projects and activities are piling up and it is so overwhelming. If I am this tired, I wonder how my other classmates feel, especially the ones who've got loads more on their plates as opposed to my meager stack.

I sincerely hope you're feeling better than I am.

Mushy heart to mushy heart

Sit down and let me tell you about the constellations in his eyes that I mapped out on my skin when our fingers brushed and my knees threatened to give way to the earth beneath the soles of my feet. Sit down and let me tell you about how everyone dreams of changing and saving the world but no one wants to help Mom wash the dishes. Sit down and let me tell you about the melodies in his footsteps and the soft diminuendos in his gentle breathing. Sit down and let me tell you about the best night of my life, when I was surrounded by so much passion and ear-deafening love confessions and for the first time in my life, I knew what it felt like to be infinite - what it felt like to have abandoned galaxies in my body when I’m not even close to being a solar system. Sit down and let’s talk about my old nanny whom I miss dearly, the same nanny who taught me how to blow bubbles and how not to cry over scraped knees, the same nanny who sang me to sleep and always had time for me, unlike my mother who immersed herself in work and trying to keep our dysfunctional family from breaking apart. Sit down and let me confess to you how much I used to loathe my mother until I got to see the light that was hiding behind the darkness. Sit down and let me tell you about the time I spent 7 hours writing the script to our Shakespearean play that at the end of 420 minutes, I started hating the glow of my laptop screen and Romeo and Juliet’s tragic love story. Sit down and let me tell you about how much of a masochist I am and about all the times I got mad at people but chose to shut up and let my anger fade away because I’d rather wallow in my own ball of negativity than spread it to others. Sit down and let me tell you about the sunflowers that I planted out of love, about the little stray kitten from the street that I hid under my bed just so he wouldn’t feel as alone as I did, and about all the smiles I threw to strangers just to let them have a little piece of sunshine. Sit down and let me tell you about how I find Physics absolutely fascinating but formulas weigh me down like anchors that I can’t breathe when I’m drowning in an ocean composed of velocities and torques and the conditions of equilibrium. Sit down and let me tell you about all my lovely friends, all my lovely friends that I’ll have to bid farewell in less than six months. Sit down beside me and let’s talk over a cup of my homemade ginger tea and maybe take a bite of my heart because I do not need the world and the sun and the moon and the stars, I just need someone to listen.

"10) I do not love you anymore." 

1) Today, I woke up at 4:17 a.m, 43 minutes earlier than I should have.
2) I spent those 43 minutes staring at darkness and trying not to think about you.
3) I failed. You infiltrated my thoughts like poison.
4) I quietly padded to my bathroom and tried to wash away the pain of yesterday.
5) Sadly, cold water couldn’t soothe the fire in my veins and it couldn’t stop my boiling anger.
6) I ate your words and drank silence for breakfast.
7) I went to school with an empty stomach and an even emptier heart.
8) I have come to a conclusion. The first half of the conclusion is that I do not love you any less.
9) The second half is the title of this poem.

♕

we’ve got cities within us that yearn to be explored. we are made of stars and refractions of light and pixie dust. there are flowers blooming and wilting in the outskirts of our rib cages if we squint hard enough. our voices sometimes sound like a thousand unsung melodies if we close our eyes and listen, really listen. look at your fingertips, the veins crawling on your wrists, and the intertwining of webbed lines on the fabric of your palms. try to see the beauty in them. they are lovely, like tree rings. we are made of languages, not just words, and we are myriads of paragraphs more precious than diamonds. diamonds don’t even shine, they reflect, but we can shine and light up the whole world if we just try hard enough because goddamn we are more beautiful than the city lights.

{from my little rabbit hole}

This is me with fandom: Let's Talk About Lee Taemin

Let's talk about the boy whom I planted sunflowers for in my mother's garden. Let's talk about the boy whose name I've written and rewritten on the frayed pages of my notes. Let's talk about the boy who I've watched grow from a cute little boy into an amazingly handsome young man. Let's talk about the boy who (after 3 years) still holds the throne to my heart's kingdom. Let's talk about Lee Taemin.

[D-22]

The days are passing by in a soft kind of blur and there is a constant push and pull and sometimes the air smells like dead memories. Or food decomposing. I really can't tell. I'm really confused right now but that's all right. Better to feel confusion than nothing at all. Yesterday, I had a heartwarming afternoon with some 2nd graders from Andres Bonifacio Elementary School. They sat in close clusters and were attentive but then my heart kind of broke when I started asking them their names and birthdays and almost all of them didn't know the latter. There was this one kid whose pencil was shorter than my thumb and there were kids who didn't have pencils at all. There were bright smiles on their faces though and my heart kind of broke for the second time but it was a different kind of breaking. More powerful. A force to be reckoned with.

I don't know why I'm telling you all this and keeping my sentences short. Words are so precious. Words are priceless. Words are taken for granted. Misunderstandings lead to tears. Tears lead to hunger. Hunger leads to wishing you didn't care so much. But I never stop caring. I don't want to.

Here, little dearie. Have a piece of my heart.