Kim Heechul (plus lovely Heebum)

You know, there was a time when my life as a fangirl revolved around this beautiful man. Three years, to be exact. He was my first ever kpop bias and we always hold special places in our hearts for our first biases, don't we? Well, I am no exception.

I became a korean pop fan on his 24th birthday (July 10, 2007). There was a birthday party in our house thrown in his honor by my sister and her friends and they were watching music videos and singing songs in a language I wasn't familiar with. Because I grew up following my sister's interests (e.g. anime, asian dramas, japanese pop music) and liking whatever she liked, I was curious and fascinated by what they were watching. It seemed to be a huge group of pretty boys dancing on sync to catchy pop music and when I sat next to them and glued my eyes to the screen, that was it. I was transfixed, I was more than interested, I was falling into the Kpop black hole. And I haven't looked back ever since.

This is me with fandom: I miss my darling ot5.

 

Oh, dear. I've been so caught up with another fandom I don't know what's going around with you guys anymore. I see all these pictures and videos on my dashboard of the five of you and I don't know where they're from. A few months ago, I would've known exactly which gif came from which video, which photo came which photoshoot, but now, I am just lost and frustrated and I don't know where I stand anymore. There's a dull aching somewhere inside me and I know it's because I miss you guys unfavorably. In a few months, I'm going to celebrate five years of being a Shawol and I've been in this fandom for so long I don't ever want to leave. You guys have made me so happy and the five of you are so wonderful and beautiful and you strip me of all my metaphors. No words will ever give enough justice to how much I adore you all and if I could teleport myself to anywhere in the world right now, it would be by your side because the five of you have given me so much to believe in, it's amazing, how you can be such a big part of someone's life yet not know it.

Merry Christmas, loves ☃

I don't have anything tangible to give to you guys and if I could, I would bake all of you cinnamon cupcakes but sadly, I can't so I wrote this little drabble instead. Happy reading! ♥

Because it's one of those nights.

I still do a double-take every time you appear on my dashboard. My eyes still go wide at your beauty. I'm still left in awe at the way you move your body (no one can dance like you). My heart still swells with something  like hurt whenever I see your face (because I get heartaches from looking at beautiful things). I still think of you all the time, even during moments I shouldn't. I still write letters and poems to you (thought you'll never get to read them). I still wonder if I'll ever get to meet you and thank you and hug you and it's pretty fucking amazing, how you can make someone so happy and not even know about it (how do you live?).

Maybe right now, I'm just blinded or maybe I'm undergoing a phase but a lot of things have changed and things are not as they were anymore. I'm starting to outgrow you, starting to lose interest maybe (although not really), starting to lose track of what's going on. But you'll move on to greater things without me, I'm just a fan after all. I shouldn't even be so emotional over this because I don't know the real you and I'll never get to know the real you. I know that some of the things that comprise you are made up and are just for show but during your most unguarded moments, I see a little bit of the real Lee Taemin under the thick skin you've wrapped around yourself but I'm not sure if I love that person as much as the Lee Taemin I know. And quite frankly, I only know the Lee Taemin that you choose to show.

This post is all over the place. I don't think people will even understand. Why am I so sad over such a fickle little thing?

Sigh.

Bottomline is I still love you the most but not as much as I used to.

And it scares me. Gravely. Deeply. Pathetically.

I think I need an airbag.

Saengil Chukahae

I love you as much as the sky, my feelings for you deep like the ocean. You are as beautiful as a sunset, your whisper worth more than a thousand words. The way you dance is as graceful as the wind, yet as powerful as reckless abandon. Your laugh is as lovely as the peal of children's innocent laughter, your smile like hot chocolate during cold, rainy days. You radiate soft-spoken energy and shine brilliantly like the sun and I, your sunflower, will always choose to look at you because you are the brighter side of my life.

Happy 19th Birthday, Taemin. I love you and it's a little bit sad that you will never get to know this but I'm happy when you're happy and I wish nothing but happiness for you. Keep on shining, my little dance machine~