.

i am the frost on your window,
the cry of a young wolf,
the thin blade of grass you just passed by.
i am the wind that caresses your cheeks,
the sweat that trickles down the nape of your neck,
the cold that embraces you during lights out.
i am the soft earth you trample your feet on,
the deep well in the forest you got lost in,
the path you followed that led to nowhere.
i am the stars in the midnight sky,
the languid clouds on a summer afternoon,
the drippy symphony of the crickets.
i am the white-picket fence,
the rusty old gate,
the creak you hear when open the cedar door.
i am the sigh that escapes your lips,
your early morning breaths,
the unfinished sentence you struggle to let out.
i am the scrawls on your notebook,
the dirt on your fingertips,
the paint stains on your shirt.
i am your cup of Sunday morning coffee,
the sluggishness of Monday noon,
the cool Tuesday evening dew.
i am the the lightning streaks you fear,
the ocean you once almost drowned in,
the broken china you dropped when you received news of your mother’s death.
i am the blood that rushes to your cheeks,
the smell of rain on damp earth,
the tinkling of chimes during an airy day.
i am the cat that jumped on your roof,
the worn-out pages of your favorite book,
the poems you keep in your drawer.
i am the voice inside your head
telling you things i am not
for in reality
i am not a lot of things
and these words mean nothing.
i can never compare to the beauty of life that surrounds you.
i am not a lot of things.
i am not loved and i am not yours.
and it makes me want to be a lot of things i am not
because you are beautiful
and i am just sad.

a few things:

• I'm not the kind of person people fall in love with and that's a good thing actually, because I'm not a good person to fall in love with. Anonymous person from Tumblr, if you're reading this, I hope it's not too late. I push people away. Seriously.
• I really think I'm destined to be lonely. I always feel somewhat detached from people, even those I deem closest to my heart. I don't exactly know why but I think it has something to do with my incredibly low self-esteem. Or maybe I just really like pushing people away because I don't like getting attached because getting attached leads you to getting hurt in the end.
• Whatever, feelings.
• Sometimes, because of you guys, I feel like I have my own set of clones. I should be flattered really but I'm...not. Ugh, never mind. Do what you guys want to do. I'll just sit here and try to ignore all of you.
• I'm not sure about what I want anymore and this is scaring the shit out of me because I used to be such an independent-minded person, strong in my beliefs and I had this sort of silly mindset that all my dreams and aspirations were going to come true just as long as I set my heart and mind into attaining them. But then, reality decides to slap you in the face, telling you to wake up, and suddenly things are not as they seemed anymore. You're left wondering if you've been living a lie and you feel like wanting to die although not really.
• I feel like wanting to die although not really. Maybe I just want to stop living.
• Someday, I will feel the infinity of Seoul between the spaces of my fingertips. Someday, it'll be my turn to be someone special. Someday, I'll prove you all wrong in your lack of confidence in me. But for now, I'll just have to wait and see how things turn out.
• Everybody's just a pile of memories and stories finished and unfinished, complete with open endings and hanging paragraphs that have yet to be filled out.
• I don't make much sense, do I?
• I hate you and I love you and it's slowly killing my insides.
• When you think about it, I mean really think about it, it's weird how everybody has their own idea of perfection. What seems perfect to one person isn't to another. Doesn't that make it imperfect then? 
• I love you, little weirdos.
• A cat jumped on the roof last night when I was reading a creepy Kaisoo fanfic. Just felt like sharing because it was funny when it happened although it sounds completely redundant at the moment.
• I love cats. I think I was a cat in my past life.
• Meow.
• And here goes the ever-cliche saying, "I wonder if you think about me like I think about you." But who am I kidding? I'm not worthy enough to fill the spaces of your most intricate thoughts. I'm nowhere near your idea of 'special.' I'm not pretty, I'm an idiot, I can't even open a water bottle, and I'm boring and uninteresting. What's to think about?
• It's a lonely night tonight but I'm battling loneliness with a glass of cold melon milk and a Mars bar. As usual, I'm eating my feelings away. 
• But why do I still weigh only 40.5 kg? I eat whenever I have nothing to do which happens a lot. Body and metabolism, enlighten me please.
• I am torn between two loves. But that's not the real problem. The real problems are that they don't know of my existence, they call me "fan", and I can't even speak their native language. Do you see my dilemma?
• I still love Taemin the most.
• Math makes me feel stupid. 
• It's usually the quiet ones who notice things other people don't.
• I've got dreams of killing people. Teehee.
• We're not bound by life, we're bound by time. Every single living thing has an expiration date. Life has an expiration date. But time? Time never ceases to exist.
• I stopped caring, that's why. I'm never enough and you're never satisfied.
• I wonder if some people have a functional brain-to-mouth filter. Sometimes, the most stupid things come out of the mouths of the brightest minds.
• I love you all although not really.
• If you would like to send me a message, feel free to drop something in my ask box. I'll make sure to post and answer your questions here. Or you can always comment below.

• 

eros, storge, and mania (and maybe a little bit of pragma)