It's Julienne's birthday today!!! Happy Birthday to that wonderful girl who will always be in my heart no matter the distance between us ♥

Also, Mosogourmet tweeted me today and I just wanna cry because baking senpai noticed me ;__________;

By the way, it's finally August and there are exactly two weeks left before I leave for college and below are some things I want to keep in mind and take to heart:

"No writing is wasted. Did you know that sourdough from San Francisco is leavened partly by a bacteria called lactobacillus sanfrancisensis? It is native to the soil there, and does not do well elsewhere. But any kitchen can become an ecosystem. If you bake a lot, your kitchen will become a happy home to wild yeasts, and all your bread will taste better. Even a failed loaf is not wasted. Likewise, cheese makers wash the dairy floor with whey. Tomato gardeners compost with rotten tomatoes. No writing is wasted: the words you can’t put in your book can wash the floor, live in the soil, lurk around in the air. They will make the next words better." —Erin Bow

"You’ll be fine. Feeling unsure and lost is part of your path. Don’t avoid it. Take a breath. You’ll be okay even if you don’t feel okay all the time."

"The sun is perfect and you woke this morning. You have enough language in your mouth to be understood. You have a name, and someone wants to call it. Five fingers on your hand and someone wants to hold it. If we just start there, every beautiful thing that has and will ever exist is possible. If we start there, everything, for a moment, is right in the world." —Warsan Shire  

"If you know yourself, you’ll not be harmed by what is said about you." —Arab proverb 

words dump

there is always an overwhelming urge to delete all my blogs and erase myself from everyone's browser history and find out who will care enough to remember. if all my words really do leave an imprint or an impact and if i really do change lives because maybe i'm just too naive to see the difference. a few months from now, i don't think i will be the chryss that everyone knows at the moment. or at least, who you think i am. i am constantly changing, trying to make myself better but maybe somewhere along the way, making myself worse. i don't know how to write without sounding like i'm an accident waiting to happen but i know where my heart lies most of the time. but maybe come october, i will no longer know the path that leads to where i truly wanna go and i end up writing poems about wanting to be safe, about wanting to stay inside comfort zones where i have no trouble breathing but the air is a recycled mess of oxygen used up and gone to waste. and i'm pretty sure my priorities will change, how i see the world will change, how i talk to people will change and maybe there are some things that will stay -- like the way i spend so much time taking showers and how i never know how to keep my things tidy because my mind is always a messy place -- but at the end of the day, i'm really scared about losing myself and forgetting who i once was and not being able to remember the things that matter right now. it's all a part of life, a way of the universe, entropy working its magic with its lack of predictability but it's scary to think about. i've always had some sort of trouble one way or another with letting go because sometimes i care too much that it hurts and this is something i've spent nights thinking about and never having anyone to talk to about them. this is the result.

words dump

around two weeks ago, i stopped my bad habit of biting on my fingernails and i showed my fourteen days of resistance to my mother this afternoon when we were trying to find birthday gifts for both our friends. she looked at them and began to kiss each fingernail like they were something more precious than dead parts of my body. i find myself sitting somewhere in the children's shoes section every time my mother decides to look for a new pair of sandals or a new bag to add to her always growing collection. i plop myself on a cushioned bench and read stories on my phone, the voices of little kids and their mothers serving as not so faint background sounds that i try to ignore. i focus on the words on my phone, words that aren't my own and will never be mine but make me feel like i belong. it's nice, really. i get lost in my own little world, or in other worlds outside the current one i'm in. 

my brother and his fiancee are perfect for each other, they're such a silly couple and i would find their relationship hilarious if i didn't know better, if i didn't know how much they loved each other. to the ends of the earth maybe. or i think a little bit farther. yup, farther than my heart can take. they are filled with sweet things and sweet nothings and sweet everythings. they are just right and not enough and more than what i have to say. 

i saw natasha today, the first time since april when i stumbled upon her at mcdonald's lacson, back when my hair was shorter and i haven't shed layers of my skin yet. back when i still had so much to learn and so much to go through. i heard her call my name before i got to see her face and she is still the same bundle of soft-spoken energy and crescent-shaped eyes. when i wrapped her in a hug, i realized how much i've missed her. and i will continue to miss her because i know that we will be far away from each other, no longer just a seat apart unlike in junior year when we would trade listening to our math teacher in exchange for talking about pretty korean boys and how much we adore them. 

i miss a lot of people. i've been saying this over and over again but i think it's something that i will never get over until i have actually moved forward in my life. and even if i get to step out of my comfort zone and finally get to embrace the new life that's waiting for me, i will still miss a lot of people. 

i will always. they remain. 

I'm back with another survey!!! I really enjoy these kinds of things so forgive me if I dump them all here because you know, that's what I usually do - just dump everything in this blog ;____;

On another note, my brother and I headed over to 31 Korea last Sunday night because we wanted ice cream after dinner. When we paid for our Melona bars at the counter, I found out that they were selling some EXO ballers and I had my eye on the Kyungsoo baller that was right on top of the pile. It was also the only one left of its design and I badly wanted it but unfortunately, the both of us only had enough money for ice cream and I wasn't about to ask money from my mother for fandom merch. I guess I really looked sad and wistful (and maybe pitiful) because my brother went back to the Korean resto last night after his classes even though it's terribly out of his way and got me the baller! At first, he admitted that he freaked out a little bit because there were a lot of EXO ballers with the different members' names on them and he was worried about getting the wrong one (imagine if he got Sehun's OTL) but then he said it was a good thing he remembered that I have a "TEAM D.O" banner taped on my bedroom wall. 

I aggressively attacked him with hugs and tears because he's really thoughtful and sweet ; u ;

Anyway, survey under the breakthrough! ^^

I guess I'm going to be quite busy with Notepad for the next two months, seeing as I love all three prompts that I was given for the KaiSoo fic exchange and I don't know which one to choose. Technically, we're only supposed to pick one prompt and write a fic based off the one we've chosen but I just can't make up my mind (!!!) so I've decided that I'm going to write all three and just choose the one that I think would be worthy enough for fandom. I am also writing three other fics that I've been working on for the past week but I think I'll put them on hold because I need to focus on the fic exchange first. I don't know how I went from just reading fics to actually writing them but I've wanted to write things for the fandom for a long time now, I just couldn't muster enough confidence and motivation (because there are so many brilliant fic writers out there and I'm just little me). When I heard news about Kaisoommer, I instantly signed up thinking it would do me some good but when I received their message earlier this morning regarding my assignment, I got a bit anxious and not to mention incredibly insecure. But then I opened their message and read the prompts I was given and the uncomfortable feelings were replaced with excitement! Now, I just wish I can make my recipient happy and that I can give enough justice to the prompts that he/she requested. Also, I am extremely excited to read the fic that's going to be written for me!!! 

On a related note, I'm currently looking for a beta, is anyone interested? Please head over to my askbox and send me a message un-anonymously if you're willing to endure my constant whining and insanity. Fair warning though, I can get a little bit ... um, crazy. But rest assured that I will welcome you with the warmest of virtual hugs and I will be eternally grateful for your help ^^

Fair warning: you might not want to squint your eyes to read through the whole thing because this is just some sort of a mini preview and not the story itself. But if you're willing to read the tiny sentences, please skip the words in caps because they actually constitute the ending ^^

So I'm currently writing a fic and this time it actually has a plot and a storyline instead of my usual 15-minute word vomit in which I just let out words because I feel like writing but it comes out a mess and I don't really know what to do with it (prime examples would be this one and this one). I'm sailing through uncharted waters right now because it's all about break-up and I want to laugh at myself because I'm writing about something I haven't even experienced yet but I'm willing to wait and see where the tides take me with this one. I'm currently a little over 2k words with this fic (whoa that's a first) and I think I've only written 1/3 of the whole thing so ... wish me luck? ^^ Moreover, if I can actually finish it, I hope I'll be able to summon up the confidence to let you guys read.

And yeah, I usually write things on Notepad because I like how no fuss it is :) 

So this is my nth attempt at trying to keep up with a personal twitter fandom account. I still have three months of vacation ahead of me with not much to do and I'm planning on enjoying it to the fullest the best way I know how: by fangirling (lol what a sad life).

I just have a lot of feelings ;~~~;

Anyway, I would love to be twitter buddies with you guys because talking about EXO with other fans is one of my favorite things to do! So if you're interested in becoming pals with me and willing to handle me at my worst, please send me a message (preferably un-anon) on Tumblr with your twitter username! I swear I'm nice and fun (that is, if your idea of fun is squealing over pretty boys bc yes yES YES THAT IS MY SPECIALTY) n______n

it's such a shame how some of the best days give way to some of the worst.

this is just going to be a five-minute word vomit, you have been warned.

This is probably irrelevant to you but I feel like spilling words lest I suffer a drought. I haven't been writing poems as of late. The last time I wrote one was around three weeks ago and it's still sitting on my notebook looking lifeless instead of sashaying around my blog, letting the words speak for what I feel spiraling inside me in ways that leave me unhinged during moments I let my guard down.

I had a really good day today, the kind that makes me feel warm inside and out until all I can feel in my stomach is laughter and all my eyes see is a spectrum of happiness brought about by the company of people who seem to know the right things to say to crack me up like eggshells until I am being fried on my tippy toes with burning sensations that make me feel the most alive that I've ever felt in the past few days, maybe even weeks (and wow I no longer know how to chop my sentences into half so that you can chew them properly rather than swallowing them whole i cry I'm apology my mind is a mess at the moment). This house is nothing but safe and suffocating. My mother hasn't been very good company as of late but I love her and I never want to bring her down. I dislike how I feel trapped and emotionally abused though and I am struggling to break free. No one knows what I'm going through at the moment and I prefer it that way because the last time I wanted to have a heartfelt conversation with someone, I got turned down and right now, I'm still trying to pick up the broken pieces of misused trust.

Bye, I gotta go write proofread my mother's essay for her job promotion. Wish the both of us the best of luck.

And

Greetings, earthlings! Sweet dumplings! Adorable kittens! I have recently made my former public twitter private because I became paranoid that my family members might have access to it and while there's nothing really wrong with that, I know I'm going to be the butt of everyone's jokes because I tend to get ... hysterical there, especially concerning fandom-related topics.

But I really want to know you guys and talk to a bunch of you who I'm sure I never got the chance to interact with and I think Twitter would be a great platform for us to get to know each other better! You guys probably know a lot of things about me because of this blog but I don't know a lot of things about most of you guys and I really want for that to change! So if you have a twitter account, please please please send me a follow request and it can be the start to a new wonderful friendship! I promise I'm nice :3

~~~ @yeheyimamoron ~~~

“Let me tell you what I do know: I am more than one thing, and not all of those things are good. The truth is complicated. It’s two-toned, multi-vocal, bittersweet. I used to think that if I dug deep enough to discover something sad and ugly, I’d know it was something true. Now I’m trying to dig deeper. I didn’t want to write these pages until there were no hard feelings, no sharp ones. I do not have that luxury. I am sad and angry and I want everyone to be alive again. I want more landmarks, less landmines. I want to be grateful but I’m having a hard time with it.”

—	Richard Siken

I just wanted to share this with you guys because I feel like the words above speak to me, in a way, because I've been feeling very conflicted with myself lately. Everything is either too much or not enough and when I read this, it just struck a chord within me. If I could sum my life up in a few sentences right now, these would hit home.

Also, I'll be away omorrow up until Tuesday so just a heads up in case you think something happened to me hehe. I'm a bit anxious, a lot excited to see my future campus and to check out the dorms but I know that I'll eventually settle in when the time is right. I'm the type of person who clings to places that are comfortable and familiar but I'm ready to experience whatever college has in store for me. Or at least, I like to think I'm ready.

2048: EXO Edition

So if you're familiar with the game 2048 (I like these kinds of games, I mean the only games I have on my phone are Text Twist and Word Search, NO ONE LOOK AT ME), I would just like to inform you that there are two existing EXO versions of said game that's currently rising to fame (or it's already insanely popular and I'm just out of loop).

The pretty boy version:

The gorgeous supermodel very handsome oppa version:

It's fun!!! If you're bored or waiting for your downloads to finish (because I feel you), how about you play a game or two? 

ALSO, COMEBACK IS NEAR!!! PREPARE YOURSELVES FOR BATTLE BECAUSE WE ARE GOING TO DIE!!!!!!!!!!! Also, my mother did not raise me to grow up with these kinds of frustrations just because of boys changing their hair colors but Sehun's hair is black and I am a puddle on the floor. IF SM DARES TOUCHING KYUNGSOO'S RAVEN LOCKS, I AM GOING TO probably do nothing except internally weep and feel sorry for myself. BUT BLONDE JONGIN AND BLACK-HAIRED SEHUN, BAEKHYUN, AND YIXING, THERE IS HOPE FOR THIS WORLD!!! and wow mamma mia Suho looks gwapito as a blonde

I am so freaking happy right now I cried happy tears while I was on the phone with my brother and his girlfriend and I was spluttering nonsense while trying to make them understand how happy I was for the both of them that they ended up laughing and I ended up crying some more but oh god yes this is what happiness tastes like THIS IS THIS IS PURE BLISS I AM SO HAPPY I LOVE MY BROTHER SO MUCH AND HE LOVES HIS GIRLFRIEND (woops sorry FIANCEE) SO MUCH AND I LOVE HER TOO SHE'S LIKE A SISTER TO ME AND SHE BUYS ME KOREAN ICE CREAM ALL THE TIME AND SHE'S REALLY SWEET AND NICE AND PERFECT FOR HIM AND THEY'RE BASICALLY PERFECT FOR EACH OTHER AND WOWOWOW AAAAAAHHHH MY HEART WILL GO ON FOR THE BOTH OF THEM

Hello, Joy and I have planned some things for you but they may not be in the way you expected them to be. We will make announcements as soon as I can get my life back on track and finish my yearbook duties. I am so sorry in advance but I am busy, busy, busy.

FREE AT LAST

I just had my final set of exams BOOYAH

A summary of how they went:

Filipino - SIR THANK YOU SIR ANG GANDA NG EXAM MAMIMISS TALAGA KITA

Health - Oh, wow a slogan. What a surprise!!! (not)

Math - What are the chances of me not graduating if I burn these test papers to smithereens?

Bookkeeping - I'M MISSING 10,000 PESOS WHERE'D IT GO HOW DO I BALANCE THESE ACCOUNTS IF I'M MISSING 10,000 PESOS OH MY GOD 13 MINUTES LEFT OH MY GOD I CAN'T BREATHE I'M GONNA DIE oh whoops there it is (I wrote 2,000 instead of 12,000 in my Accounts Receivable *shoots self* but good thing I realized my carelessness and I managed to balance the Debit and the Credit WOOHOO BOOKKEEPING FOREVER LIFE OR DEATH SITUATION HAHAHAHUHU)

CLE - This is the last time I'll be writing down essays for CLE... HALLELUJAH

English - The only major exam I'm confident about

Economics - Thanks

Physics - "Heeyyyyyy, I'm getting the hang of this, this is actually kind of okay hehehe wAIT WHAT UNITS WHAT WHAT WHAT OH HELL NO THIS IS NOT OKAY. THIS IS NOT OKAY AT ALL"

But really, the important thing is that I am finally free from the clutches of High School lol I'M A FREE WOMAN

Today was officially my last school day at St. Scholastica's Academy - Bacolod before the final set of exams. After ten years of education in said institution, I am only thankful and a whole lot relieved. After exams, it will just be graduation and tribute practices and I won't be seen roaming around the hallways anymore, looking drunk in the mornings and getting my books from the locker. No more running from the Computer Lab to the classroom just to get in time for SCSP, no more treks to the basement for group projects, no more lugging around guitars for Music class. No more hiding food during recess and sneaking in candies during class discussions, no more whining over unfinished assignments and "KC, I can't understand the formula! Please help me!!" and no more laughing over inside jokes with my seatmates. I'm going to miss Kaira and her pick-up lines, Joney and her randomness and tendency to laugh whenever I sneeze, Francesca with her weird thoughts and over-imaginative ideas, Queenie with her planner duties, Dindin with her presence that has become somewhat of a comfort to me, and KC with her never-ending patience in tutoring me Math and Physics. I'm going to miss my classmates and my batch in general as well. They're a rowdy bunch but they're home. They have always been. And they will always be.

I am so happy. I am so relieved. And yet, I am still so so fucking sad.

Farewell...almost.

things you don't really wanna know about

So here is a list of things that I've already managed to accomplish aka the reasons why I don't know how to blog anymore:

• FUCKING RESEARCH PAPER THAT WAS 38 PAGES WORTH OF PAIN
• Investigatory project in Physics
• Physics Waves project
• News article in Economics about Organic Farming for Sustainable Agriculture (ew)
• SCSP scrapbook
• Selected formal and casual yearbook photos from 137 graduating students
• Collected 137 yearbook forms
• Encoded late yearbook forms
• Encoded the yearbook directory 
• Wrote 2 articles for the yearbook
• Worrying about the yearbook
• Long tests
• Quizzes
• Music exam (I played 1234 by Plain White T's *cue in deep sigh of relief*)
• P.E. video
• Name portrait in CLE
• Wrote a job resume

And here is a list of things I have yet to accomplish aka the reasons why there are teardrops on my guitar:

• Visit the printing press with Mrs. Suñe tomorrow
• Long tests
• Quizzes
• Filipino scrapbook thingamajig regarding the El Filibusterismo pictorial
• Filipino pamphlet
• Find a summer job as early as NOW
• Submit all requirements for college
• Book a fucking plane ticket
• 4th quarter exams
• Tribute with the seniors
• Find shoes for graduation
• Y E A R B O O K (this will probably take a whole month of my summer, who knows?)
• Book with bestfriend!!! (we really need to start advertising so that we can finally accept orders)
• Stop crying
• Stop ranting
• Start being happy and less stressed

GOOD LUCK TO ME AND EVERYONE!!!

workload overload

it's happening, i'm finally starting to lose my shit again. there's a massive pile of school work to be done plus long tests and quizzes and personal responsibilities to boot. it doesn't help that my mom has a fucking curfew for me that i can't weasel my way out from because she doesn't understand that i need extra time to do all the things i need to. i'm trying to find a way out of this mess but i can't. i've got messages to be answered and i feel so bad for not replying to them. there are people i want to talk to but they're busy as well. my mother's been working overtime and when she comes home from work, it's either she's in a really bad mood or really tired and i have to play the part of the good daughter even if i'm on the brink of a meltdown as well. everything makes me want to cry at the drop of a hat. my fingers are itching to peel some fruits and vegetables which means i'm in deep water. i'm constantly at war with myself. i just need a little bit of love. and some freaking banana milk.

i'm not okay i'm sitting here in front of the pc not bothering with punctuation marks because i'd rather punch holes in my sentences instead because maybe then it'll help numb the pain oh but who the fuck am i kidding lmao i have to attend a dinner at the place where my dreams got blasted to smithereens whoops the phone just rang ***** it was my mom telling me to put on my happy face and pretend that everything is all right okay here we go let's go let's go

Hello, I feel like shit because I wasn't expecting to come home to a wrecked poster, a wet planner, an angry sister, and a frustrated mother when I am tired as fuck and feel like eating people alive. The stress is taking its toll on me and putting in as much effort as I can possibly muster is becoming not only physically draining, but emotionally draining as well. What I need right now is a pat on the back and maybe a nice hug to chase away the worries, not complaints and angry remarks of "You're late in coming home tonight and you're leaving early again tomorrow?!" As if I want any of this. As if I can handle everything on my own. As if what I'm doing isn't for you. 

The school year is coming to an end and I'm worried as fuck. There are a still a lot of things to accomplish: Graduation song, SCSP Scrapbook, SCSP video, PE video, Research, Investigatory Project, Filipino project, Computer website, and I'm pretty sure we're also going to have a project in Economics, plus the numerous long tests and scheduled exams. What pisses me off is that most (if not all) of the projects are due on the same freaking week. My group mates and I are going to go through hell for the next few weeks and I am so afraid for all of us. If ever we can't manage to find strength in one another, I am going to crumble down into pieces of useless rubble.

Lord, have mercy.