words dump

around two weeks ago, i stopped my bad habit of biting on my fingernails and i showed my fourteen days of resistance to my mother this afternoon when we were trying to find birthday gifts for both our friends. she looked at them and began to kiss each fingernail like they were something more precious than dead parts of my body. i find myself sitting somewhere in the children's shoes section every time my mother decides to look for a new pair of sandals or a new bag to add to her always growing collection. i plop myself on a cushioned bench and read stories on my phone, the voices of little kids and their mothers serving as not so faint background sounds that i try to ignore. i focus on the words on my phone, words that aren't my own and will never be mine but make me feel like i belong. it's nice, really. i get lost in my own little world, or in other worlds outside the current one i'm in. 

my brother and his fiancee are perfect for each other, they're such a silly couple and i would find their relationship hilarious if i didn't know better, if i didn't know how much they loved each other. to the ends of the earth maybe. or i think a little bit farther. yup, farther than my heart can take. they are filled with sweet things and sweet nothings and sweet everythings. they are just right and not enough and more than what i have to say. 

i saw natasha today, the first time since april when i stumbled upon her at mcdonald's lacson, back when my hair was shorter and i haven't shed layers of my skin yet. back when i still had so much to learn and so much to go through. i heard her call my name before i got to see her face and she is still the same bundle of soft-spoken energy and crescent-shaped eyes. when i wrapped her in a hug, i realized how much i've missed her. and i will continue to miss her because i know that we will be far away from each other, no longer just a seat apart unlike in junior year when we would trade listening to our math teacher in exchange for talking about pretty korean boys and how much we adore them. 

i miss a lot of people. i've been saying this over and over again but i think it's something that i will never get over until i have actually moved forward in my life. and even if i get to step out of my comfort zone and finally get to embrace the new life that's waiting for me, i will still miss a lot of people. 

i will always. they remain.