I am ready to give up.

So I've spent the whole morning researching about sites that accept pre-orders for albums and if they ship to the Philippines and if they offer free international shipping or they have additional shipping expenses and whatnot. I've also read countless reviews about said sites (ie yesasia, kpoptown, DVDHeaven) and they're all mixed thoughts. Some say they're reliable while others say that they've been waiting for weeks and their posters, cds, etc. have still not been shipped even though it has passed the "6-14 business days" mark. Not to mention the fact that some sites have really unreasonable prices and expensive shipping rates.

I have this strong urge to order from Kpoptown since my purchase will count on the Hanteo Chart right away and I not only get an album, but I get to support SHINee as well. I still don't know whether they just ship to the US Market though, which is incredibly unfair because hello, I'm right here. Wait, they do ship to my country but the shipment fee is almost the same price as the album. No thank you, that is absolutely unreasonable.

But then Yesasia has great prices and free international shipping but I'm alarmed by the fact that someone on Tumblr said that they sold his email address and now, his inbox is flooded with spam messages from different companies. It's a good thing I'm using gmail, which is said to have spam guard, but I don't want to be too sure. And someone also complained that two out of 3 of her items were damaged. I hope they accept refunds.

As of the moment, I have 17 tabs open and they all revolve around those sites. 

The woes of an international fangirl who's too elitist to buy the album from her own country. But then, Universal Records is launching the album in June. June. What the actual fuck.

Anger Issues

Oh, go to hell.

I was just minding my own business and you decide to rant on me about the blogs I visit and saying that I shouldn't read such self-opinionated articles. What the fuck, I do what I want.

I like reading snarky and impertinent articles. It's a breather from the supposed untainted world that the Korean entertainment industry tries to uphold. Reading these articles and deep analyses makes me see Kpop in a whole new level, albeit a little off-putting at times.

Sometimes, we need to see that not everybody's going to love who we love, and I, even as a hardcore SHINee fan, deems it essential that I get to know what's going on in the minds of people who do not think like I do. Even though they criticize what I think is perfection, it doesn't change my own perspective, thoughts, or opinions. Rather, I just dwell on what they think, and I also dwell on what I think and realize that it's fascinating, how each person thinks differently from the rest.

I like reading these kinds of stuff and I'll continue reading them, whether you like it or not.

I'll get over this somehow. I just need some time to cool off. 

12:34 - sometime after 1 (early afternoon)

*Wrote this on my handy-dandy notebook. If your head hasn't hit the table because of boredom after this, then you are amazing.

So I'm stuck here in a really comfortable sofa in a dermatologist's clinic. The room is bitter cold, the clinic has a nice clean smell that all clinics seem to have, and the ambiance is cozy, so I'm in a bit of a complacent mood at the moment. There are only 6 people left, whereas before we left for lunch there were about 20. The last 6 standing: me, my mom, a guy in his late twenties, a boy about my age who's absorbed with his potable video game console, his dad, and an old lady who's been yawning quite a lot the past 30 minutes that I've been here. Minus the 2 receptionists and the other clinical staff, we are all that's left.

I've tried everything to pass the time away. I listened to music but that just left me very sleepy. I read a bit but I already finished the book a month ago so it felt a little dragging. I read the magazines on display but they featured nothing but mainstream fashion and I seem to have a certain loathing towards the latest trends. There was even a short time that I managed to space off, but then my mom nudged my side and told me to sit straight and stop staring at the wall. She then proceeded to ask if it would be nice to firm up her face or something, so that her wrinkles would go away. I promptly said no. I've never been a fan of cosmetic dermatology.

The main reason why I'm here in this abnormally cold clinic is to have the rashes and dark spots on my legs checked, since they've gotten worse ever since I sat down on the grass to enjoy the cool wind last week. They're really itchy and they swell when I scratch on them and it's actually kind of gross and--oops, I'm getting called, wait a bit--

--I'm back. The dermatologist's assistant asked me a bunch of questions and she told me to wait for awhile because I'm going to have my picture taken for record-keeping. Oh, she's calling me again.

---

About 20 minutes have passed. After I got my picture taken, they told me to go inside a room and the dermatologist was there and she started asking me lots of questions and also told me to show her the scars and spots and all that. It's boring to write about. Consultations have always been boring. Then she told me that I'll be applying some cream, lotion, a special type of soap, and some ointment twice a day on my skin and blah blah blah

And then she gave the prescription paper and I went upstairs to get all the creams.

---

About 10 minutes have passed. Right now, I'm in Munsterific and licking a cone of soft-served ice cream while writing this, waiting for my brother to pick us up. 

And I can't believe I managed to write a lengthy description of my visit to the dermatologist.

Such is my life.

Okay, so I am sad. Okay, so I am depressed. Actually, saying that doesn't even cut it. My mom says that I go around the house looking and acting as if someone died, or I died. Well maybe I am dead. Or rather, I wish I was.

How come nobody understands me in this house? It's like everything I do, think, or feel is considered wrong and inappropriate. Everything I do doesn't seem to satisfy them. I'm not allowed to be overly happy, overly excited, or overly unhappy. What am I supposed to feel then?

And now I can hear my mother shouting at me again, telling me to get my act together and stop looking so sullen and down. But why can't I feel sad if I want to be sad? I had such high hopes on winning that stupid contest and it all turned out to be false hope, should I go around smiling and laughing and skipping and thinking that the world is an absolutely wonderful place full of rainbows and sunshine?

Let me tell you what this world really is. This world is selfish, twisted, and cruel. Every piece of happiness you get, there's a price to pay. Everything you do, there's at least one person who will judge you. People always telling you to be yourself but if you tip off of their perspective of ''being yourself'', they'll tell you to stop doing, thinking, and feeling such things they deem outlandish.

I swear the only reason why they're telling me to act ''normal'' again is because they don't want me to go insane. Mom has even threatened that she won't allow me any access whatsoever to SHINee if I continue being like this. Okay, let's see how that'll turn out. Let's see if I'll still manage to function properly.

Let us fucking wait and see.

a few things:

• The sunny weather is back with a vengeance. Or so I think. Ugh. I really loved the past few days' weather: cold, dreary, London-like and you could wear a thick sweater and still feel cold and hiding beneath your comforter for warmth still didn't stop the cool air from penetrating your senses. Now, why can't we have that all summer?
• I DID NOT WAKE UP AT A PAINFULLY EARLY HOUR TO BE TROLLED BY AN OLD MAN. LEE SOO MAN, I SWEAR IF YOU DON'T RELEASE THE MV SOON, I'LL....
• I'M SO FURIOUS, YEEEEEEEEAH~
• Following pictures are grabbed from my lovely friend's blog post:

Joy's dog, Mushu.

I look like a crazed fangirl.

Mushu is too cute for my life.

• I suggest you read her post because it includes details from our sleepover last Friday night and also, a video blog which we filmed but I am too embarrassed of myself to post it here lmao
• BLOGSPOT, MY FONT IS NOT COMIC SANS. Get it right.
• What is up with everybody's fascination with Magnum? Or maybe I'm just being butthurt because I got it instead of cake.
• Damn. Cake would've been so good.
• I AM NOT BIPOLAR. Why won't anybody in this stupid house believe me?
• "I'm not crazy." "That's what everyone in the mental hospital used to say."
• Watching the Hunger Games tomorrow. ~*OMG I am so essited*~
• Fuck. This means I have to leave the house.
• NOOOOO.
• Oh, what the hell. I get to see my friends. 
• 
  

Emotional post headed your way.

I don't know how to deal with these feelings. These feelings of love for people I will probably never get to meet in real life, if all plans go wrong. These feelings of pure anxiety and yearning for them to come back. These feelings of hopelessness when I feel as if I can't do anything for them, except support them in the comforts of my own room, silently whispering the fan chants I've heard so many times from fortunate fangirls who are lucky enough to hear, see, and feel their presence in the flesh. These feelings of absolute endearment and adoration, to a certain extent that some would deem delusional and crazy and far-out already, some would even go to say that my obsession is becoming a little bit unhealthy. 

Some think I'm just joking and fooling around, while some think that this is just a phase I'll soon grow out of. Some think I'm stupid, while some think I'm just out of my mind. Some think I'm blinded by my outlandish love, while some think that I am just blinded in general.

It's more than that. My feelings run deeper than that. Feelings aren't just something you can toy around with, they're feelings and most of the time, feelings need to be freed out in the open. Feelings need to be acknowledged. Feelings need to be recognized. And feelings are not a phase.

And for these feelings that never seem to leave me, I love them and I hate them all the same. They make me feel like I'm somewhere between euphoria and great elation while other times, they make me drown in my lack of self-worth and apathy.

But one thing I do know is that I've changed for the better and for the worse. These boys have molded me into someone I can't understand but that makes it all the more worthwhile. I'm on this journey into understanding where I stand with my obsession and my feelings. I know that sometimes, we've got to stop over-analyzing things and just feel, but how can I do that when almost everybody I care about thinks I'm slowly drifting off into the loony bin?

Lest I actually do go mad, at least I knew how to feel and think and experience things at some point in my life. Although in my perspective, I still think I'm sane but sometimes, when you tip off of other people's definition of norm, they take and view you in an entirely new notion and vantage point.

4 more hours.

I was incredibly excited for SHINee's comeback to a certain extent that I even had a countdown with my family, although the excitement was a bit one-sided, and I was just so absolutely happy and everything was fine and brilliant and then this comes up and I just want to punch somebody hard in the gut I cannot take any more of this.

You know that feeling when you think you're on top of the world and then something hits you on the back and you fall and even though you try hard to get back up, you can't because there's that one thing holding you down and if that wasn't frustrating, you don't know what's stopping you from reaching that piece of happiness you always long for.

Yeah, that's what I feel right now.

Everything is irritating and I feel like bashing everybody I hate and love. 

And to have this happen on the eve of my boys' comeback is a little bit too much to bear.

Summary of the exams

• Filipino – Well, I always dread this test because whenever I study for this particular subject, the words and lessons just won’t go into my head. But it wasn’t as bad as I’d expected it to be. Still a bit hard though.
• Math – Almost didn’t get to finish. Don’t ask.
• CLE – Lied my way through. As always. “I will love my enemies.” Bullshit.
• Health – Mixed feelings. I didn’t study much, so maybe I found it a bit hard as opposed to the past quarterly exams in this subject. But that’s only because I focused solely on Bio.
• Biology – Thankful that it wasn’t as hard as 2^nd quarter’s. That one was fucked up. This one was okay. Seriously, that’s the only word I can describe it with.
• Social Studies – No erasures allowed. Sobs. Had 2.
• Culinary Arts – Did not study. Ahahahahaha
•  English – Easiest one but I don’t want to be too sure.

I think looking at the way I describe the exams, you can tell I am as uninterested in them as this is post is uninteresting.