Yes, this deserves its own blog post

Warning: Incoherent post

So last night I had a dream with Jino in it so I woke up this morning with a boatload of Jino feelings and I started whining again about why SM Entertainment keeps on hiding my precious little munchkin because I have been painfully waiting for two years for them let Jino out of their dungeon (Sehun's graduation does not count). I mean, I JUST WANT TO HEAR HIM SING AGAIN. Jino has one of my favorite voices in the Korean pop industry (can I still call S.M. The Ballad a kpop group even when all they sing are ballads?...yes, I can) because it's so warm and rich and it's like hot chocolate in your ears. I don't even know what I'm saying at the moment because I'm sort of rambling all my feelings out but yeah, I have major serious issues with SM when it comes to my little munchkin. I mean, I WAS FUMING WITH ANGER AND ABSOLUTE LOATHING TOWARDS EXO WHEN I FOUND OUT THAT HE WASN'T IN THE LINE-UP. About 70% of my interest in the group went out the door when I couldn't find Jino in their official teaser pictures and I guess that's the main reason why I harbored so much hate on EXO last year (but haha, look at me now, they're my laptop's and phone's wallpapers ////sob////)

Because it's one of those nights.

I still do a double-take every time you appear on my dashboard. My eyes still go wide at your beauty. I'm still left in awe at the way you move your body (no one can dance like you). My heart still swells with something  like hurt whenever I see your face (because I get heartaches from looking at beautiful things). I still think of you all the time, even during moments I shouldn't. I still write letters and poems to you (thought you'll never get to read them). I still wonder if I'll ever get to meet you and thank you and hug you and it's pretty fucking amazing, how you can make someone so happy and not even know about it (how do you live?).

Maybe right now, I'm just blinded or maybe I'm undergoing a phase but a lot of things have changed and things are not as they were anymore. I'm starting to outgrow you, starting to lose interest maybe (although not really), starting to lose track of what's going on. But you'll move on to greater things without me, I'm just a fan after all. I shouldn't even be so emotional over this because I don't know the real you and I'll never get to know the real you. I know that some of the things that comprise you are made up and are just for show but during your most unguarded moments, I see a little bit of the real Lee Taemin under the thick skin you've wrapped around yourself but I'm not sure if I love that person as much as the Lee Taemin I know. And quite frankly, I only know the Lee Taemin that you choose to show.

This post is all over the place. I don't think people will even understand. Why am I so sad over such a fickle little thing?

Sigh.

Bottomline is I still love you the most but not as much as I used to.

And it scares me. Gravely. Deeply. Pathetically.

I think I need an airbag.