1.19.2012

a few things:

It's been more than a week since I last posted one of these and there's been quite a lot of things on my mind these past few days, things that I don't think I'll be able to convert into a proper blog post, so I'll stick with this.

Here goes:
  • I am starting to annoy the shit out of myself. Seriously. It's like I want to yell at Chryss to get her shit together and move on with life. All these sentiments and thoughts that only bring her down won't do her good.  
  • It was nice for awhile, feeling empty. But then, I started drifting away from myself and it scared me. It was like I could hear my voice begging for Chryss, the usual Chryss, to come back.
  • I think I just need someone who won't run away.
  • And it'd be nice if I could find somewhere far and quiet, where no one knows and hears me.
  • But the real deal is if there's someone somewhere that needs me just as much as I need them.
  • And I don't think that person knows what they're doing to me.
  • Every once in a while, I try to look around and see if people are suffering as much as I am. If they're also lost and confused and don't know what to do with their lives. But all I see are smiling faces and tear-streaked cheeks not because of pain, but of happiness. And then I try to convince myself that a lot of beautiful things surround me, that happiness will also await me in the end, and that I should never give in to the shadows of doubt. Sometimes, it works and sometimes it doesn't. My world turns dark when it doesn't.
  • It seems like people secretly want to be unhappy. Whenever we reach a balance in our lives, we start to feel bored, and suddenly nothing pleases us anymore.
  • ^Is this what I am at the moment? Because I'm contented with life, in the sense that there's balance but I still yearn and pine for more. Is that it?
  • Sigh.
  • I really need to tell Tablo how much of a creative genius he is. I'm sure people tell him this every single day but I'd want to be able to tell it to his face and that he's completely changed my outlook and disposition in life. That even though the whole world stops listening, I only need him to hear me and that I was taught to read receive the lies and to deceive the eyes from seeing between the lines. I want to tell him that he's right, Genius is not the answer to all questions, it's the question to all answers. And that he made me want to cry when he said,"""Dying words: soul, eternity, destiny, gratitude, sincerity, peace, inspiration, faith, passion, beauty, music......" 
  • sobs. 
  • Irritating piece of unwanted opinion ahead.
  • Warning. Read at your own risk.
  • Kai is starting to annoy the shit out of me. It's not that I don't like him, it's actually because I like him a little too much for comfort. I see him as this mini-Taemin who looks and dances just like my little mushroom and I don't like it. The similarities freak me out. And not even in a good away. LMAO why am I like this?
  • Told you it was stupid.
  • Such is my life.

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