a few things:

• Exactly a year ago, I was hunched over a desk trying my best to answer an entrance examination. And right now, I'm packing up my things and preparing myself for a bigger world out there. It's funny how time flies and how things can change in the course of a year. I have lost and I have gained and I have weighed options in my hands, some heavier than others. And I have watched people grow, become better versions of themselves, become stronger and I am so proud that I can only hope the best for all of us.
• I am 50% done with packing. I'm only saying 50% because I have too many clothes and they all won't fit in the suitcase and backpack that I'm going to be bringing with me on the 15th. I haven't even packed my shoes, slippers, towels, and bed sheets yet. This is going to be quite a struggle.
• Also, since I can't possibly bring all my clothes & things with me on the day that I'm moving in, I'm going back home on the weekend after my first week of school to get my remaining necessities and go back to the dorm again. My uni's a long way from home (a really looooooong way I'm going to cry) and travelling with luggage is tiring but someone's got to do it :c

words dump

there is always an overwhelming urge to delete all my blogs and erase myself from everyone's browser history and find out who will care enough to remember. if all my words really do leave an imprint or an impact and if i really do change lives because maybe i'm just too naive to see the difference. a few months from now, i don't think i will be the chryss that everyone knows at the moment. or at least, who you think i am. i am constantly changing, trying to make myself better but maybe somewhere along the way, making myself worse. i don't know how to write without sounding like i'm an accident waiting to happen but i know where my heart lies most of the time. but maybe come october, i will no longer know the path that leads to where i truly wanna go and i end up writing poems about wanting to be safe, about wanting to stay inside comfort zones where i have no trouble breathing but the air is a recycled mess of oxygen used up and gone to waste. and i'm pretty sure my priorities will change, how i see the world will change, how i talk to people will change and maybe there are some things that will stay -- like the way i spend so much time taking showers and how i never know how to keep my things tidy because my mind is always a messy place -- but at the end of the day, i'm really scared about losing myself and forgetting who i once was and not being able to remember the things that matter right now. it's all a part of life, a way of the universe, entropy working its magic with its lack of predictability but it's scary to think about. i've always had some sort of trouble one way or another with letting go because sometimes i care too much that it hurts and this is something i've spent nights thinking about and never having anyone to talk to about them. this is the result.

Five-minute word vomit. You have been warned.

personal reminders:

1. Just a few more weeks and you'll be getting what you've been asking for these past few months. Just a few more weeks and it will be the end of an era, but the start of a new one. Cherish what little time you have left and consider it like something fragile and easily breakable, something so precious that can be dismantled when not handled with care.
2. They say that it's okay to make better mistakes. 
3. Do not be so worried about your imperfections because the people who truly matter will accept you and your flaws because they see something that other people don't. Because there is always beauty jutting out from even the darkest corners of the earth and there will always be beauty in every single person in this world and that includes you.
4. Laugh more freely, smile a little wider. Your mother always said that you're at your prettiest when you show your teeth to the world and your eyes turn into tiny half-moons. Mothers (sometimes) know best.
5. I think it's time to share some of your poems again. You've been laying low for so long, let your words breathe again. They've grown quite restless.

This is me with fandom: 7 years!!!

So let this post be my obligatory 7th year anniversary exclamation because I still can't believe I'm lasting this long in the Korean pop fandom. I know I'm nowhere near fading away from the world of pretty boys and catchy music (that I'll rightfully admit I don't understand the lyrics to unless I search them up and find adequate English translations) so here's to more years to come! And more pretty boys!!

To start this post, I would like to quote myself from two years back when I also did one of these to celebrate my 5 years in the kpop fandom. It's been two years since then but what I'd written still hits home: "The Korean music industry has served as much of a therapy as it is a source of entertainment to me. Through ups and downs, personal struggles, family problems, and other kinds of emotional bullshit - Kpop has kept me grounded and is one of the main reasons why I’m kind of happy and living and breathing right now. At the risk of sounding cheesy but my love for Korean music and the culture itself runs deeper than anything else outside the boundaries of family and friendship (because family and friends will always be #1). I need it to breathe and I need it to live." (if you want to read the rest of the post, just click here)

I'll admit, being a kpop fan for this long has not been a walk through the park. I've had my fair share of being ridiculed for liking something that doesn't exactly fit the definition of norm here in the country I live in but I think hearing people insult the groups that I love hurt more than the jokes I had to endure. I know better than to take them as personal attacks but when I'm passionate about something and it gets treated with contempt, I get easily riled up. I usually keep my annoyance to myself though, letting go of unwanted emotions because I know not everybody feels and thinks the same way that I do.

a few things:

• I would like to take this opportunity to inform everyone that since last week, there's been (and up to now) a problem with my Tumblr account. I am unable to reblog/post things the normal way, I even had to go as far as downloading X-Kit (an extension for Chrome) just so I'd be able to reblog and queue things to keep my main blog alive. However, I still can't post anything which would explain the lack of new posts on my sleepyteas blog. Unfortunately, I am also unable to reply to the messages that are piling up in my tumblr inbox. I am so sorry but if any of you have sent me messages both on tea-with-tablo and sleepyteas, please don't think that I am ignoring you. I am currently trying my best to solve this problem. I have contacted Tumblr Support multiple times already but they haven't replied back to any of my emails which is making me a bit annoyed and if by next week, I am still encountering issues, I think I'm going to make separate blogs so that I can answer your messages and hopefully keep sleepyteas alive.
• Oh, Tumblr, what did I ever do to you? /sighs
• On another note, it's been raining for the past two weeks and my side of the world is cold and gray and wonderful. Naps come easier because of the weather and I end up wearing my pajamas all day long. If this is going to be my version of summer weather every year ... yay I thank the heavens.

words dump

around two weeks ago, i stopped my bad habit of biting on my fingernails and i showed my fourteen days of resistance to my mother this afternoon when we were trying to find birthday gifts for both our friends. she looked at them and began to kiss each fingernail like they were something more precious than dead parts of my body. i find myself sitting somewhere in the children's shoes section every time my mother decides to look for a new pair of sandals or a new bag to add to her always growing collection. i plop myself on a cushioned bench and read stories on my phone, the voices of little kids and their mothers serving as not so faint background sounds that i try to ignore. i focus on the words on my phone, words that aren't my own and will never be mine but make me feel like i belong. it's nice, really. i get lost in my own little world, or in other worlds outside the current one i'm in. 

my brother and his fiancee are perfect for each other, they're such a silly couple and i would find their relationship hilarious if i didn't know better, if i didn't know how much they loved each other. to the ends of the earth maybe. or i think a little bit farther. yup, farther than my heart can take. they are filled with sweet things and sweet nothings and sweet everythings. they are just right and not enough and more than what i have to say. 

i saw natasha today, the first time since april when i stumbled upon her at mcdonald's lacson, back when my hair was shorter and i haven't shed layers of my skin yet. back when i still had so much to learn and so much to go through. i heard her call my name before i got to see her face and she is still the same bundle of soft-spoken energy and crescent-shaped eyes. when i wrapped her in a hug, i realized how much i've missed her. and i will continue to miss her because i know that we will be far away from each other, no longer just a seat apart unlike in junior year when we would trade listening to our math teacher in exchange for talking about pretty korean boys and how much we adore them. 

i miss a lot of people. i've been saying this over and over again but i think it's something that i will never get over until i have actually moved forward in my life. and even if i get to step out of my comfort zone and finally get to embrace the new life that's waiting for me, i will still miss a lot of people. 

i will always. they remain. 

I'm back with another survey!!! I really enjoy these kinds of things so forgive me if I dump them all here because you know, that's what I usually do - just dump everything in this blog ;____;

On another note, my brother and I headed over to 31 Korea last Sunday night because we wanted ice cream after dinner. When we paid for our Melona bars at the counter, I found out that they were selling some EXO ballers and I had my eye on the Kyungsoo baller that was right on top of the pile. It was also the only one left of its design and I badly wanted it but unfortunately, the both of us only had enough money for ice cream and I wasn't about to ask money from my mother for fandom merch. I guess I really looked sad and wistful (and maybe pitiful) because my brother went back to the Korean resto last night after his classes even though it's terribly out of his way and got me the baller! At first, he admitted that he freaked out a little bit because there were a lot of EXO ballers with the different members' names on them and he was worried about getting the wrong one (imagine if he got Sehun's OTL) but then he said it was a good thing he remembered that I have a "TEAM D.O" banner taped on my bedroom wall. 

I aggressively attacked him with hugs and tears because he's really thoughtful and sweet ; u ;

Anyway, survey under the breakthrough! ^^

There is not one person in this world that is not cripplingly sad about something. You remember that before you open your mouth.

We forget about this. All the damn time. We only think about our feelings that sometimes, we don't consider anyone else's. We are so focused on ourselves and our own set of emotions that we forget that not everyone feels the same way that we do. I personally feel very uncomfortable each time someone tells me to stop being so sad over such a fickle matter because let me wallow in my sadness, I will get better soon. Eventually. Thank you for your concern but by telling me to refrain from being disappointed/upset/unhappy, you're only making things worse. I think it's far more healthy to recognize my feelings than to pretend that they don't exist, just as long as they don't consume my entire being and break me. They will pass. They always do. But the sting of your words? They leave an imprint.

Next time, choose your words carefully.

This is me with fandom: BaekYeon woes

Okay, so I just realized that I sound like an emotionless prick in my last post regarding the issue of Baekhyun and Taeyeon dating, and I'd really like to clarify some things for my own sake (mostly for the sake of my sanity because I have a lot of feelings bottled up inside me and I think I'm going to explode if I don't let them out). I know my stand on the issue isn't important so I'm going to put up a fair warning that you are not inclined to read about what I have to say. The things under this cut are my own feelings and thoughts regarding the matter and I would like you to respect them as much as I am willing to respect yours.

personal reminders:

1. Do not walk through the world like you're walking on expectations. You might just crush them.
2. You're currently working on three fics that you're not even sure you can bring into completion, how about you start working on your life? Get your lazy butt out of bed and start selling cupcakes to your sister's coworkers. Fix your room and brush your hair that hasn't been brushed in months. Refrain from taking too many naps just because you want to escape. Breathe properly. Let go.
3. Be thankful for the slow hum-drum of your life right now because this is all going to change in two months. At the moment, two months might seem like a long time but they'll pass by quickly if you let them slip out of your fingers. 
4. Get a pen and start writing in your notebook again, the one filled with all the prompts given by your friends. I know that you think it's going to hurt because you miss them and their words but maybe you'll feel a lot better afterwards. Just give it a try. There's no harm in trying (actually, there is but come on now, just write and you can blame yourself later).
5. Actually, go buy a pen first. You've lost all your pens.

a few things:

• Concert day concert day today is CONCERT DAY!!!
• Jfc I've been chanting that ever since the moment I woke up this morning that it's getting a bit ridiculous but I'm just so excited??? Like even if I don't get to attend the concert itself, I'm so happy that the boys will get to fulfill one of their dreams and I want them to bask in the glory that they rightfully deserve after all the years of vigorous training and hard work. 
• And also, I am incredibly excited at the prospect of the members cross-dressing. IT'S INITIATION NIGHT, MY LOVELY BOYS. I bet all your sunbaes know your pain.
• I had a mini breakdown yesterday when I found out that MPST is releasing a photo book. I was thisclose to ordering Hyperbeat (because I have the misfortune of liking a certain Oh Sehun's facial features ugh smh) last year when I still had the money but I promised myself that I was going to wait for MPST because I'm biased and holy cow have you seen MPST's photos and videos? ART, I TELL YOU. FREAKING MASTERPIECES THEY MAKE ME CRY. But it just so happens that I am broke(n) right now and MSPT's photo book is probably the most expensive I've come across so far (Hyperbeat's was only around 2.2k, that's 1k less than MPST's why is the world so cruel /sobs).
• And then you know on Twitter, I came across a photo of the Overdose clearfile folders that SM's currently selling and I want the Kai and Kyungsoo folders so bad I even went around to searching up PH group orders and found out that they were all closed already. But I'm a masochist so I still went around converting the prices and it turns out that each clearfile folder costs 400 pesos. 400 pesos for a single clearfile folder HAHAHAHAHA SM, I DO NOT REEK OF MONEY ;__________;

meet the blogger

Just a bunch of questions I stumbled upon my Tumblr dashboard. I'm sorry for the lapslock. Also, I got accepted to the dorm! Much hooray!!!

    do you usually sleep with your closet door open or closed? closed. tbh closets freak me out so i always close them after getting my clothes out. it's kind of a long story but put in 5-year old Chryss playing hide and seek with her brother and always choosing the closet as the safe place to hide but instead, getting unwanted memories from those days huhu
    do you take the shampoos and conditioner bottles from hotels? yes. seriously, i want to get my money’s worth and they’re great for sleepovers! lol
    where is your next vacation? i can only wish for Seoul
    who do you think reads these? fellow bunnies
    do you have a calendar in your room? yeah i have … three actually (i have one on the wall, one on my desk, and one in my planner)
    what’s your plan for the day? today i went to Medical Plaza to accompany my mother with her laboratory tests and then i had lunch with Bea and Joy! 'twas a good day
    are you reading any books right now? currently trying to finish Fever Dreams (a book of poems) but i’m being led astray by fanfiction (as always)
    do you ever count your steps when you walk? no. i tend to trip over my own feet so counting my steps will just end in disaster
    do you ever dance even if there’s no music playing? sometimes. whenever i’m panicking, i tend to do weird dance movements and it ensued into hilarity with my friends and classmates every exams week. but really, i’ve got no grace or sense of rhythm whatsoever. that’s why i gravitate towards the dancers in kpop groups. i’m fascinated by the way they move their bodies.

This is me with fandom: from Kris back to Wu Yifan

Never in my 7 years in the Kpop fandom have I felt sadness as crippling as the one I feel right now. I am sad but I am also hurt, confused, and worried. Let me just lay it for you that for the past 24+ hours, my fandom has been in utter chaos. Rumors were being strewn everywhere and we didn't know what and who to believe in. It got to a point that I felt extreme frustration and disappointment in regards to how everyone was handling the situation, myself included. When something as big as news of a member filing a lawsuit against his company for contract nullification surfaces, mayhem is bound to happen. And the way the fandom took the news and played the blame game, pointed fingers, and basically jumped to conclusions without proper verification just made me realize how important it is to take everything with a grain of salt and wait for official statements.

I don't blame Tao for feeling betrayed. I don't blame the members for unfollowing Kris on Instagram. I don't blame Kris for wanting to leave. Heck, I don't even blame SM for what's happening right now. Maybe I'm going to sound like a bad fan but Kris probably knew what he was getting himself into when he joined SM and if he didn't, well then I guess he's reached his breaking point and wants out. And that's okay, it's perfectly fine that he wants to be treated differently as opposed to how the company has treated him all these years. I am just extremely worried for the rest of the members because I don't know how they're currently handling the situation and what's going to happen to them. The past two days have been a roller-coaster ride of emotions and I am still waiting for the dust to settle but I do have a few thoughts regarding the whole matter:

it's such a shame how some of the best days give way to some of the worst.

this is just going to be a five-minute word vomit, you have been warned.

This is probably irrelevant to you but I feel like spilling words lest I suffer a drought. I haven't been writing poems as of late. The last time I wrote one was around three weeks ago and it's still sitting on my notebook looking lifeless instead of sashaying around my blog, letting the words speak for what I feel spiraling inside me in ways that leave me unhinged during moments I let my guard down.

I had a really good day today, the kind that makes me feel warm inside and out until all I can feel in my stomach is laughter and all my eyes see is a spectrum of happiness brought about by the company of people who seem to know the right things to say to crack me up like eggshells until I am being fried on my tippy toes with burning sensations that make me feel the most alive that I've ever felt in the past few days, maybe even weeks (and wow I no longer know how to chop my sentences into half so that you can chew them properly rather than swallowing them whole i cry I'm apology my mind is a mess at the moment). This house is nothing but safe and suffocating. My mother hasn't been very good company as of late but I love her and I never want to bring her down. I dislike how I feel trapped and emotionally abused though and I am struggling to break free. No one knows what I'm going through at the moment and I prefer it that way because the last time I wanted to have a heartfelt conversation with someone, I got turned down and right now, I'm still trying to pick up the broken pieces of misused trust.

Bye, I gotta go write proofread my mother's essay for her job promotion. Wish the both of us the best of luck.

And

140424 - Fans chase Taemin and Kai

So I don't know if you guys have seen this video clip already but I still wanted to share it nonetheless. Apparently, some fans chased them around 3 a.m. last mornight and scared the living daylights out of them. Let me tell you, waking up to a video of my biases running for their lives was not pleasant at all, especially when I only had about 4 hours of troubled sleep. I don't know if it's true that Taemin cried after the incident but I'm fucking sure he was traumatized.

Clearly, when someone's running away from you as if their lives depended on it while you're chasing them, I think it's an obvious sign that I don't know ... THAT MAYBE YOU SHOULD STOP??? I cannot speak for what the fans felt when they saw them although I'm pretty sure they were extremely excited and overwhelmed but I don't think scaring your oppas is the best approach, especially if you want to leave a good impression. Seeing our biases in the flesh can leave anyone (including me) a bit crazed, but it's still common etiquette to give them some space, especially when they're probably tired from their activities and hectic schedules because at the end of the day, even when they're flashing bright smiles to the cameras, they are still human beings like the rest of us and they are what we all are - tired and vulnerable. 

Honestly, I can't even take the "fans" in the video seriously because this is sasaeng activity at work and it's just really fucking sad because it just makes the boys even more afraid of the people who supposedly love and support them. I don't even know half of the horrible things they've experienced (and continue experiencing) from sasaengs but seeing this video clip just made my heart hurt.

I rest my case. I just hope Taemin and Jongin are all right and that this kind of thing won't happen again (even though the chances of it not happening again are about as negative as my outlook on life at the moment). Also, I think reading this would be helpful to everyone.

a few things:

• I spent the first few waking hours of the morning holed in my brother's apartment with his fiancee, doing some last-minute editing on the yearbook while eating brownies. My best friend's house is just a stone's throw away but when I passed by it, I knew it was a hopeless case to ring the bell because the probability of Joy being awake before 12 noon during the summer is close to zero. 
• I'm going to Joney's house tomorrow to watch EXO's First Box (again). Dindin's coming over as well and to say that I'm hella excited is an understatement. It's pretty amazing how I've managed to convert people who used to despise Korean pop into fans of EXO but really, I'm just happy that they love them almost as much as I do (or maybe they already love them as much as I do ahrhr).
• Want to know what's sad? When your Facebook notifications are nothing but game requests from your mother. I've hit a new low.
• I stay away from people and conversations nowadays. They either say too much or too little, never just enough, and never the right words. 
• The hardest thing to do whenever I'm angry is to keep silent even though that's the only thing I do whenever I flare up. I refuse to spark fury. I've grown used to the fire in my veins and I've grown used to shutting up before adding insult to injury but really, it's been getting hard these days because I just want to snap at everything and everyone.

bc I'm having Jongin feelings, I wrote a little something

It starts in the way Jongin breathes. Every inhale and every exhale and I think he's beautiful in the way he just exists. Even the odd-scented mix of cigarettes and old books that I think stains the fabric of his skin has my mind reeling in a thousand different directions. Next is in the way he dances. Every fluid movement and every powerful turn strum my heartstrings and produce a melody I can't quite pinpoint but it almost sounds like the fluttering of butterfly wings. Fleeting, soft, and achingly beautiful. Another is in the way he shows happiness. Crescent-shaped eyes and a smile that could battle the majesty of the stars, laughter so rich and delicious that I could wrap it up in a burrito  and eat it raw. Last is in the way he brings passion to the stage. He is a powerhouse filled with so much energy that I feel weak in the knees every time he performs like he was born to be admired by the world. He belongs to the stage and he belongs to the wild cheers and the flickering silver ocean. But sadly, he does not belong with me.

personal reminders:

1. Just because life seems like a living hell right now doesn't mean you can't turn it the other way around and make a little heaven out of it. Fall back in love with the things that once brought joy to you. Start peeling some potatoes and apples. Start peeling the skins off of grapes and silver-foiled kisses. Start sketching again. Write poems. Bake a cake. Sleep all the pain away. Do everything until you feel sunlight in your heart again.
2. On another note, fall in love with things that you think will bring joy to you. Join that sculpture class. Spend more time with your friends. Give that person another chance. Write letters to your thirteen-old self who was a sarcastic little bitch that read facts about ants. Stop being so angry all the time, yeah?
3. Don't think about him. No, not him. Him.
4. Kaisoo is real to a certain degree. You don't want to come off as a delusional shipper but there's underlying affection in whatever sort of relationship they have. Whatever they have is just different, you can't explain it but there's something there and it breaks your heart that you have to force yourself into thinking that it's just fanservice when you think it's so much more.
5. Wasps defend themselves by using their poison. Be kind to wasps. They just want to protect themselves. Kind of like you.