So basically, this is a post about me and a lot of feelings. This is for my own amusement actually. I think it might be a bad idea to proceed under the cut but read at your own risk.
So I've finally come into terms that I'm way too deep into the EXO fandom, like I'm currently on the brink of no-return, because I've gone through a lot of shit just for EXO that it's getting a wee bit out of hand. Although my grades haven't been declining (by some miracle they're actually higher as opposed to the previous years), my emotional stamina certainly has been decreasing. With EXO, the fandom, and with myself, I never know what to expect. Everything is either too much or too little and I'm constantly experiencing meltdowns and endless frustrations.
Let's take into example what happened today. Despite having exams on Monday, thus I should be investing every free time I have into studying, I went to the mall that's an hour ride away from my house just to get the Sehun posters and EXO headphones that I pre-ordered. I waited for around an hour and a half because the girl was devastatingly late (much to my impatience and anger) but was the worth wait it? In a sense, yes it was. Not because of the Sehun posters and the headphones, but because a group of strangers (okay so they were EXO stans but I didn't know anyone) sang me Happy Birthday in advance because it's Kyungsoo's birthday tomorrow. They just asked me who my bias was and when I answered them, they suddenly erupted into the birthday song. It was a bit overwhelming but in the nicest sense of the word. Just a few minutes ago, I was wondering whether to go up to them and join in on their conversation that revolved around Episode 7 of EXO's Showtime (and I was even judging them from my seat, I am shameful u__u) and then the next minute, I've got myself some new friends. It's really amazing how fandom can bring people together. I usually don't like mingling with fans that I'm not accustomed to yet but everything felt natural when I was talking to them. And then when they saw my name on the set of posters that I ordered, one of them went, "Woah, you're Chryss?". I don't know how she knew me and I didn't bother asking (we've probably got mutual friends or something like that) and even though I was mildly creeped out, there was a warm fuzzy feeling inside my chest.
Fandom is wonderful in a lot of ways and it has helped me a lot but on the contrary, fandom also has its ways of bringing me down. The money I've spent is just one thing, the time I've wasted is also another thing, but it's probably the fact that I've sacrificed a lot of things into something so seemingly insignificant that brings me down the most. Because you want to know the painful truth? In a matter of years, fandom's not going to matter as much anymore. Fandom's just going to be that phase in my life that I'm going to look back into and say to myself, "What the hell were you thinking when you bought a set of posters when you just wanted one? What the hell were you thinking when you broke down in front of your mother just to be able to see a bunch of people whom you'll never get to know on a personal level? What the hell were you thinking when you wrote about them instead of studying for your exams? WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING?" Because in the bittersweet world of reality, fandom's not going to get me good grades, fandom's not going to land me in the Dean's List when I'm in college, fandom's not going to help me find a stable job that earns a lot of money. Fandom is an escape from life and exists for enjoyment but at the end of the day, I sleep because I have a tomorrow to wake up to, a tomorrow that doesn't primarily revolve around SHINee and EXO.
Obviously, I'm thinking way too much for my own good. It's just that I've realized a lot of things and I've been keeping these things for far too long, I had to let them out one way or another. I guess what I'm just trying to say is that even though your fandom seems like a big thing right now, it won't in the long run. Keep your feet on the ground and your head level. Don't be like me. Don't take things too seriously. Don't let your emotions get the better of you.
With everything said, I think I actually have to go study. And this post doesn't mean I'm going to stop being the insane fan that I am. I love being a crazy fan, it's fun and somewhat therapeutic (in a weird sense but then according to my friends, I've always been weird). This post is just to remind everyone (including myself) that there are far more pressing problems than not getting the photo card of your bias or not getting to attend a concert of your favorite group.
Also, I am a very very very bad role model for the young kids of today. I hope nobody turns out like me.
And it's Kyungsoo's birthday tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(if you've reached until this end, congratulations!)
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