Words of a teenage escapist.

it's 3am on the first day of 2013
and i have this sudden longing in my chest
this is the 3rd year in a row
that i did not get to pick fireworks with you
and bring home a full roasted pig biting on an apple
while i bite on the burger you ordered from McDonald's
when i told you i was hungry
i remember when you used to fire gunshots
to signal the new year
and i would slip quietly into my bedroom out of fear
i always thought that the stray bullets you shoot at the sky
would fall like shooting stars that might hit innocent bystanders
you simply chuckled at me and said, "silly girl"
but when you see the worry that does not subside from my eyes
you keep the loaded gun in your pocket
and won't fire any more
i lit up sparklers tonight because you were no longer there
to light firecrackers and fill the streets with explosions
i remember when you used to buy boxes of those little dynamites
you liked blowing things up, didn't you?
and i was always by your side whenever you did

they always tell me i'm your favorite
am i really?
i remember when you used to make riceballs with me
and took me out to japanese restaurants during my anime phase
and the way you laughed heartily at my hysterical response
when you bought me my first Korean pop album
i remember that time you ran with me out on the streets at 8pm
both of us dripping wet from the summer rain
because i told you it would be fun and you agreed
saying you had nothing better to do
i remember when you used to sing Billy Joel songs
at the top of your voice during car rides
and i would cringe at your horrible voice
and you would pretend to be mad but your eyes say otherwise
i remember when you would bring home chocolates
even though mom was against it
you taught me to love sweets
and you taught me to love you

i remember a time when i loved you more than mom
when i thought you were the greatest dad in the whole world
until i found out that you loved someone else
more than you loved mom
and that's when everything changed
that's when things began to break apart

happy new year, papa