It's difficult. You don't want to think about things that just make you feel horrible and insanely insecure but try as you might in pushing them away, they always find a way to track you down and invade your most precious thoughts.
Sometimes, you know, I try to pretend that they don't momentarily exist, but I may just be one of the most insecure people I know. I'm my biggest critic. I always find something wrong with myself. I'm paranoid. I don't like seeking for attention yet I want it. I don't want to share pieces I've done yet it brings me down when I write/make something and no one will ever get to see it except for me. But then, there's this wave of regret swallowing me whole afterwards once I manage to post something for everyone else interested to see.
I'm jealous. Of people with so much self-confidence. Of people with so much belief in themselves. Of people who feel a giant swell of pride whenever they accomplish something. Of people others have taken notice to. Of people who have been given plenty of opportunities yet they take it lightly. Of strong-willed people with so much conviction and passion and drive.
Why can't I be like them?
Oh right, because I'm a nobody. A nobody who always manages to put herself down. A nobody who thinks she's not good enough. A nobody who doesn't have the guts to make it big in the real world.
You know what? It's like you're reading my mind. It feels like this was my blog not yours.
ReplyDeleteYou're not a nobody. Or if you want to have it that way; they're nobodys as well. The difference is just that they are so self-confident. But I don't know if it's good for them.
Haven't you ever thought about how much harder you've worked, just because you think the things you do are worse than others'? I have. And I think (and hope) that work will eventually pay off one day. Don't be so hard on yourself, you're amazing!
Sorry if i made any mistakes, my English is not so good..
This was lovely to read. I don't know if I should say sorry for being too hard on myself sometimes. No, not even sorry, but feel slightly ashamed because it's like I think my efforts have been put to waste by my own self. I have thought about how hard I've worked to prove to people that I can be so much better than what they deem me to be, but still, the feeling of bitterness lingers and it's stronger than everything else that it blocks me from feeling good about myself. For me, it usually takes 10 compliments to erase an insult. But thank you for this. It made me feel better. I would hug you right now if I could.
ReplyDelete