This morning when I woke up, there was a heaviness in my chest that I could'nt quite place. I don't know where the sudden overwhelming sadness came from, but it was there and it's still here and my chest feels like it's on fire. I don't know if this is my insecurities getting the better of me, and really I shouldn't let it win over me, but it's becoming increasingly difficult to pretend that everything's fine.
There, I said it. I lied. Everyone reading this right now, I lied. I'm not fine, I'm sad and temporarily depressed and I'm so fucking tired of pretending to be fine. I'm always alone in this house and the silence is threatening to eat me alive and Mom's always forcing herself to be happy and I'm always forcing myself to be happy for her. Everything in this house is forced, forced, forced. I don't even know how to be happy for the simple things anymore, it's like I've lost a bit of my light. No more spark, ignition, I'm all dull shades of gray.
Self-pity parties seem to be the fad nowadays and if you can't beat 'em, join 'em.
Wanna hear me out?
Okay, let me start.
Life hasn't always been kind to me, you know? I grew up without much attention from my mother and my father and they were always always fighting all the fucking time like they would shout obscenities at each other and my mother would always cry and my father would always curse and there would be slamming doors everywhere. I was a child and I was scared shitless each time they fought. You know who was my only refuge? My nanny. She was always the one who rubbed soothing circles on my back and told me that everything was going to be fine when my mother couldn't. She was more like a mother to me than my own mom. My mom was so preoccupied with my dad all the time that her attention to me was brittle. I grew up with a mindset that my mother didn't really love or care for me.
But then my nanny left when I was twelve and that was when things started to change a little bit. I grew closer with my mom and our family grew closer and it was like all was fine in the world. We went out on family trips, had dinners at different restaurants every Sunday night, laughed and enjoyed each other's companies like the picturesque big, happy family. You'd think everything was going to be fine already, right? WRONG. Things got worse. We found out Dad had another family, I have a fucking half-brother whom I don't really want to know the name of, and that's not even everything yet. That's just like, only 1/4 of the troubles and struggles we faced. I'm not comfortable laying my heart and cutting it all up for you guys because family secrets shall stay as family secrets. But yeah, you know, life was (and still is) a huge bitch to me.
And that's the thing, you know??? I DIDN'T ASK FOR ALL THESE THINGS TO HAPPEN TO ME. SOME PEOPLE IN REAL LIFE ARE SO FUCKING LUCKY THAT THEY GET TO MAKE THEIR OWN PROBLEMS. I wish I could make my own problems too but no, life decides to be an asshole and throw me problems that I didn't sign up for.
I don't mean to be pretentious or elitist or condescending but would you take a look at your life??? I know that we're all undergoing personal struggles and we all have our own undertakings but please please know that there will always be someone with a shittier excuse of a life and that person is me. AND LOOK, I'M STILL FUCKING SMILING ALL THE DAMN TIME. YOU CAN DO IT TOO. IT'S NOT EASY BUT IT'S POSSIBLE WITH JUST A LITTLE BIT OF MAGIC CALLED DON'T BE MELODRAMATIC.
My family used to be six and now it's just my mom and me in this house too big just for the both of us. Holy frick, no wonder Mom's depressed. I mean, fucking shit, our old maid stole PhP25,000 from us and she doesn't fucking trust anyone anymore and all her children except for me are leaving her behind to live their own lives. AND BECAUSE THEY'RE NOT HERE, I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO HAS TO CONSOLE MOM EACH TIME SHE BREAKS DOWN AND EACH TIME SHE BREAKS DOWN, I FEEL LIKE BREAKING DOWN TOO.
PWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA LOOK AT HOW DEPRESSING MY LIFE IS AND LET'S JUST LAUGH IT AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!
This had to be let out because I (momentarily) hate the people on my Twitter timeline right now.
FUCKING SHIT I'M ACTUALLY CRYING RIGHT NOW. I'LL GET OVER THIS.
I know happiness is a choice, but what if that person CHOOSES TO BE SAD because he cant deal with any shit anymore. Expressing my sadness is the best way to help me cope with every day bullshit. I choose to be sad because i know if i let all my sadness out one day, i'll probably be happy again. If someone who is sad chooses to be happy, he/she wont truly be happy because deep down inside, he/she is sad. it's useless, you know, to keep pretending. I'd rather let everything out and be an emotional wreck rather than be a kind of person who flips her hair and runs to the sunset or whatever.
ReplyDeleteJust saying.
~Sad anon reader~
That's fine with me but happiness is no longer a choice for me, it demands to be felt. I get where you're coming from, honestly I do because I used to think like this too. But that's you and this is me and I cope with all the emotional bullshit in my life by pretending that they don't exist. Different strokes for different folks. And sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't but hey, you know, that's life. And I was just so angry awhile ago because their problems seem so petty compared to mine, okay? And I know that's a stupid excuse to feel angry but I've had enough. Everyone at school sees me as that happy-go-lucky girl who seems to have the world on her feet, am I not allowed to break down like this as well? I think I can allow myself to be a little prick once in a while.
DeleteI choose to be sad all the time too and hell, I'm always expressing my sadness. I was just being really dumb earlier although I don't really regret posting this because fuck, it felt really good to let all this out.
And it's kind of ironic how everyone's telling me to be strong and here you are, telling me to break down. It's refreshing. Thank you.
Hope you have a nice day.
i mean, those people who have everything. they have all that they want, all that they need- a happy family, good friends, a good school, internet, a roof above their head and can you see those children on the streets? some of them are already contented with what they have and those people who have everything are still so fucking sad and ungrateful. see what i mean?
DeleteBut maybe they dont want anyone's attention. what if they actually want to be left alone to contemplate their thoughts and emotions. maybe the only reason they're not happy yet is because they dont have time for themselves because people keep on trying to cheer tthem up. of course they might appreciate it and all but they want to be left alone.
But why does everyone at school think you're so happy and smiley and all that shit? You're human. You can be sad. Be who you are. Be who you want. We all have problems of our own. I know I do. I know you do too. And you deserve to be listened to. You've been through alot and all these sad people around us who CHOOSE to be so fucking sad all the time when they don't have the reason to, fuck them. Fuck society and all its rules and regulations. I mean, all these sad people around us think that they're the only people in the whole wide world who are sad. It just pisses me off. They're not the only one who's sad. It pisses me off. I think you have the right to be sad.
I like this. Have a nice day as well.
If they didn't want attention, they should'nt give off the impression that they want attention then. Everyone thinks I'm fine because I don't go around proclaiming my sadness. When I'm sad, I usually just write about it instead of talking about it. That's how I cope. That's how I handle sadness. Write until I feel empty or write until I feel better.
Deleteoh well this is incoherent but this is how society works:
Deletedepressed person: laughs at something funny
moron: what, you're laughing? i thought you were depressed you're supposed to be sad all the time and crying and suicidal you're not really depressed you faker
cr: tumblr
It's really sad how the world works sometimes.
DeleteTHIS. I'm going through the EXACT same problems. I guess I'm not alone. And fucking shit i'm also crying right now.
ReplyDelete/hugs you/ It's okay, we'll get through this.
Delete